Why Should I Wait Until I Am Married? Of course the first thoughts that come to mind are the two most common risks, which are pregnancy and STD’s; however, we often fail to mention the emotional risks that come along with having premature sex. Most teens are aware that pregnancy and STD’s are a possibility when having sex, but they fail to understand the psychological costs that are present as well.
Many are silent when it comes to talking about the emotional side of having premature sex, but in reality, this can really affect one’s life, whether short term or long term. Therefore, I believe that this is a topic worth discussing especially since the emotional danger is just as great as the physical dangers.
Thomas Likona, developmental psychologist and Professor of Education at the State University of New York at Cortland, discusses the 10 negative psychological consequences of premature sexual involvement and shows teens that there is more to be worried about than getting pregnant or contracting a STD.
1. Worry about Pregnancy and AIDS. As was mentioned before, these are the two most stressful consequences of having sex. Imagine having to be worried every month that you could possibly be pregnant. Even greater, learn that you have AIDS and will have to live with this deadly disease your entire life. Why waste your time worrying, when you can be enjoying your life, spending time with those you love, like friends and family. Hopefully, for some, the possibility of having to go through this experience, realizes that is not worth it.
2. Regret and Self Recrimination. This usually affects the girl, as she regrets losing her virginity to a guy that later on dumps her or forgets she even exists. This clearly will cause a sense of regret and hurt. I have heard stories where the girl haves sex with a guy, and then when tries to reach out to him again, he ignores her. Can you picture giving someone a piece of your heart, just to be ignored the next day? This can be detrimental to the girl, as she may begin to think all guys are the same, living with the fear of having sex. Sex with no commitment is a very dangerous road to cross.
3. Guilt. Besides feeling that what you are doing is morally wrong, there are other forms of guilt that takes place. The guy may feel guilt for leading a girl on and causing her emotional distress, especially when he knows he has no real feelings for her. Parents, who feel guilty about their past sexual history, may not appropriately advise their children when it comes to sex because they may feel like a hypocrite. Whatever the case may be, guilt can be crippling to all parties involved.
4. Loss of Self-Respect and Self-Esteem. You’re at a party one night, get drunk and have sex with a girl you do not remember in the morning, how does that make you feel? You have sex with a girl multiple times, but then get tired of her, so you dump her, what happened? Both of these examples describes a lost of self-respect. The guy feels disgusted with his actions and his dignity is lost. For girls, having multiple partners, pregnancies and abortions, soon develops a lack of self-esteem, as they begin to settle for any guy. That’s why having casual sex is dangerous and can lead to self loathing. Finally, people with STD’s suffer self-esteem problems because they are embarrassed of their situation and feel less confident.
5. The Corruption of Character and the Debasement of Sex. When people use other for sexual pleasure or as sexual objects, they are corrupting their character and undermining the value of sex. Sometimes people lie to get sex, rape, cheat, all things that debase one’s character. Sadly, our culture is sex driven, especially among our youth and the word is thrown around like it is nothing. Teems talk about sex as if it is an everyday experience. There is no love or commitment, but sex is degraded and taken lightly.
6. Shaken Trust and Fear of Commitment. When a relationship begins to be about one thing, sex, the girl usually, feels like they are never going to find someone that will accept and love them without having to have sex. Her trust in guys is lost and this can affect her future relationships as well. Also, in sexual relationships when you’ve been dating someone for a while and he/she cheats or the two of you break up, trusting that another relationship won’t end the same way will be difficult; therefore, in comes the fear of commitment as well.
7. Rage Over Betrayal. Some can handle a break up or betrayal, but there are those who cannot and their response is anger and rage. This rage can often lead to violence against the former boyfriend/girlfriend. If a person thinks the relationship is serious and sex is involved, this may also lead to a violent outcome, because one partner has developed that emotional bond and the other partner has not. It is best to know if you and your significant other are on the same page, so there is no confusion or surprises in the relationship.
8. Depression and Suicide. This is pretty self explanatory, but when one believes that their relationship is based on true love and they later find out the truth, sometimes their reaction may lead to severe depression and even death. Therefore, the more you invest your heart and time into the relationship, be prepared for the break up to be harder and painful. Talk to friends and family. Do not hold it in or isolate yourself.
9. Ruined Relationships. Sometimes when a relationship turns physical too fast, this leads to a faster break up. With sex at the center of the relationship, when new things enter, like anger, jealousy or selfishness, the couple does not know how to react. They become sick of each other and the relationship ends. If you decided to have premature sex, the relationship has to grow in the process and you must keep up the communication.
10. Stunting Personal Development. Having premature sex can hinder one from developing as person especially in young people. This is a time when teens are supposed to be meeting new friends, being active in school, finding out their skills and talents, simply being more socially responsible. These are important ingredients that are needed for the teen to develop into a person. Sometimes young people get so caught up in the relationship, mostly girls, that they lose themselves and stunt their individuality.
Sex is not a bad thing; the problem comes when it is not treated as seriously as it should be. The physical and emotional consequences are not worth the extra stress. Wait until you are married and it is the right time. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, but the problems arise when it is abused or taken advantaged of. If you do not get anything from this article, just remember, you my not get pregnant or contract a STD, but you will experience at least one of the other nine psychological consequences.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
How to Be Single
We all know the type – the people who can’t be single. They jump from boyfriend to boyfriend to hook-up or girlfriend to hook-up to girlfriend without any time to breathe in between.
It’s deceiving to think that everyone is dating, everyone is happy in a relationship, and being single just means a failure to be pretty enough, athletic enough, smart enough, popular enough, or old enough.
But, while the fairy-tale story always seems to show a girl waiting around in some isolated tower for a prince to sweep her off her feet, not all girls have to be princesses and not all guys have to be princes. While it seems like many people seem to tell love stories about marrying their childhood sweetheart, very few people actually marry the first person they date.
Most teenagers spend more time single than they do in a relationship. If you’re unhappy the whole time that you’re single, you’re missing out on taking advantage of and living a vibrant time in your life!
When you’re single, you have more time and energy to focus on the important non-romantic relationships you have with yourself, your friends, your family, and God. Being single is a time to grow in confidence, friendships, spirituality, and self-awareness, and not just a time to sit and wait around passively for Miss or Mr. Right! Here are some tips on how to live your life right now so that you’re always experiencing love in all the beautiful ways the world offers:
1. Enjoy your friends and family. It sounds simple, but friendships and family relationships you take time to work on now are going to last longer and go deeper than any romance. The best part of a relationship is being with someone who knows you as well as you know them, and being with someone who feels like your “other half.” You can get that feeling and comfort from close friendships and a good relationship with your family now too! Your friends and family are always there for you, so make sure you’re putting in as much effort to those relationships as you are to any budding romances. Make an effort to get to know your siblings, your parents, your grandparents. Go on “dates” with your group of friends – to dinner, to the movies, to a picnic by a beautiful lake…
2. Find yourself. Relationships work best with two people who are comfortable enough with themselves as individuals to open themselves up to other people. Use your time being single to figure out your personality, your likes, and your dislikes. Figure out what kind of music you like, the hobbies you like to do just for yourself, your quirks, your favorite section of the Sunday newspaper, your perfect cup of coffee…
3. Be confident. Once you figure out who you are, don’t shy away from being it! Be yourself, and be confident. Do little things to become more comfortable with yourself and feel satisfied, like speaking your mind in classroom discussions, getting a part-time job, or volunteering at a local soup kitchen or hospital.
4. Set your standards. When you’re comfortable and confident with yourself, it becomes harder to settle for whatever nice-looking girl or guy next comes into your life. So set your standards based on what you decide is important. Want to date someone who your family and friends like? Want to date someone who respects your decision of chastity? Want to date someone with whom you can hold an intelligent conversation? Figure out what you’d realistically like in an ideal boy or girl, and stick to it!
5. Cultivate your spirituality. Use some of the time you have with yourself to connect or reconnect with your faith and your spirituality. Talk to God, ask for guidance on everything in your life, including dating and friendships, and incorporate that connection into your everyday life by getting involved with your church or school’s youth ministry or volunteer programs.
6. Have your own dreams. Now’s the perfect time to dream big! What do you want to do with your life? Do you want to go far away to college? Go to law school? Go dance the tango in Argentina? Volunteer in Africa? Learn how to play the guitar? No dream’s too big! Now’s the time to focus on your goals so you can give your life direction and put everything in perspective. That way, when you start dating someone special, someone who respects your self-confidence, who understands your spirituality, and meets your standards, you can have plenty of great and interesting conversations about what you want your lives to turn out like and how you can both be a part of each other’s dreams.
By Lauren A.
__________
Cavanagh, Michael E. Before the Wedding: Look Before You Leap. 1994. Westminster/John Knox Press. Louisville, KY.
It’s deceiving to think that everyone is dating, everyone is happy in a relationship, and being single just means a failure to be pretty enough, athletic enough, smart enough, popular enough, or old enough.
But, while the fairy-tale story always seems to show a girl waiting around in some isolated tower for a prince to sweep her off her feet, not all girls have to be princesses and not all guys have to be princes. While it seems like many people seem to tell love stories about marrying their childhood sweetheart, very few people actually marry the first person they date.
Most teenagers spend more time single than they do in a relationship. If you’re unhappy the whole time that you’re single, you’re missing out on taking advantage of and living a vibrant time in your life!
When you’re single, you have more time and energy to focus on the important non-romantic relationships you have with yourself, your friends, your family, and God. Being single is a time to grow in confidence, friendships, spirituality, and self-awareness, and not just a time to sit and wait around passively for Miss or Mr. Right! Here are some tips on how to live your life right now so that you’re always experiencing love in all the beautiful ways the world offers:
1. Enjoy your friends and family. It sounds simple, but friendships and family relationships you take time to work on now are going to last longer and go deeper than any romance. The best part of a relationship is being with someone who knows you as well as you know them, and being with someone who feels like your “other half.” You can get that feeling and comfort from close friendships and a good relationship with your family now too! Your friends and family are always there for you, so make sure you’re putting in as much effort to those relationships as you are to any budding romances. Make an effort to get to know your siblings, your parents, your grandparents. Go on “dates” with your group of friends – to dinner, to the movies, to a picnic by a beautiful lake…
2. Find yourself. Relationships work best with two people who are comfortable enough with themselves as individuals to open themselves up to other people. Use your time being single to figure out your personality, your likes, and your dislikes. Figure out what kind of music you like, the hobbies you like to do just for yourself, your quirks, your favorite section of the Sunday newspaper, your perfect cup of coffee…
3. Be confident. Once you figure out who you are, don’t shy away from being it! Be yourself, and be confident. Do little things to become more comfortable with yourself and feel satisfied, like speaking your mind in classroom discussions, getting a part-time job, or volunteering at a local soup kitchen or hospital.
4. Set your standards. When you’re comfortable and confident with yourself, it becomes harder to settle for whatever nice-looking girl or guy next comes into your life. So set your standards based on what you decide is important. Want to date someone who your family and friends like? Want to date someone who respects your decision of chastity? Want to date someone with whom you can hold an intelligent conversation? Figure out what you’d realistically like in an ideal boy or girl, and stick to it!
5. Cultivate your spirituality. Use some of the time you have with yourself to connect or reconnect with your faith and your spirituality. Talk to God, ask for guidance on everything in your life, including dating and friendships, and incorporate that connection into your everyday life by getting involved with your church or school’s youth ministry or volunteer programs.
6. Have your own dreams. Now’s the perfect time to dream big! What do you want to do with your life? Do you want to go far away to college? Go to law school? Go dance the tango in Argentina? Volunteer in Africa? Learn how to play the guitar? No dream’s too big! Now’s the time to focus on your goals so you can give your life direction and put everything in perspective. That way, when you start dating someone special, someone who respects your self-confidence, who understands your spirituality, and meets your standards, you can have plenty of great and interesting conversations about what you want your lives to turn out like and how you can both be a part of each other’s dreams.
By Lauren A.
__________
Cavanagh, Michael E. Before the Wedding: Look Before You Leap. 1994. Westminster/John Knox Press. Louisville, KY.
You Have to Be a "Me" Before You Can Be a "We"
It might sound contradictory, but one of the most important parts of being in a relationship is taking time to focus on yourself. I learned this the hard way throughout the course of my first relationship. It had all the elements of a fairy tale, at least to a fifteen year old girl who knew only of love stories in the movies. We were studious kids who swore we fell in love, even when our parents discouraged our relationship, telling us we were much too serious at such a young age. Setting aside time for yourself is so important, and yet personal growth is one of those things that we often dread. We can’t avoid personal growth, because it’s an integral part of becoming better, happier versions of ourselves.
Sometimes paging through self-help books provide me with more insight than I would like to admit, in spite of the cheesy covers with pictures of the ocean or the sun and the all-too-catchy titles. A few years ago, I was looking through an old collection of my parents’ books, and I stumbled across The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. It was his first line that got me – “Life is difficult.” I immediately thought to myself, no kidding, and put the book down. I asked my mom about the book later on, and she said that in its slightly tacky1970s way, the book made a pretty good point. Dr. Peck talks about personal strength in his book, about how personal growth is an on-going process that is “complex, arduous, and lifelong.” Every time I think life is too hard, I come out on the other side of my challenges more competent and sure of myself. My own personal growth effects how I act in, or think about, any relationships I’m in. As I discover who I am, I learn so much more about what I want in a relationship.
A relationship with another person is meant to be a complement to you as a person and a complement to your life, rather than your focus in life. It is important to maintain your own life, but involve your significant other in some ways. If you do everything together, then what will you have to talk about? If you are in a relationship, think about what you do on a regular basis that is just for you – not for your boyfriend or girlfriend, not for a family members, not for a friend. It is very important to take time to focus on developing yourself and learning your likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. I didn’t do this. Everything in my life revolved around my boyfriend, and although I’m not proud of it now, I made my life about the relationship. I told myself things to rationalize why I was increasingly unhappy, especially with the relationship. The truth was simple: I didn’t know who I was, so I was looking for reassurance, confidence, and security in all the wrong places. I was looking for the relationship to give me certainty when I was vulnerable, but it was actually more of a problem than a solution. Everyone is insecure to some extent in high school, and no relationship, no matter how much you do or don’t care about one another, will fix that.
It’s not to say that any relationship at a young age, or any age, isn’t worth something, because every relationship has worth in life. If it works out, then its great, but if or when it doesn’t, you learn something more about what you want in someone with whom you share your life. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that your needs come secondary to that relationship. Personal growth and commitment to yourself is still key both for your own good and the good of the bond you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s not to say that you have to have yourself all figured out to be in a relationship. If it were true that you shouldn’t be in a relationship until you had gone through all the personal growth you need to in your life, then no one would be in a healthy relationship. I hate to say it, but it’s true… Personal growth is a process, and it’s something that you will never be done with. There will always be opportunities to grow and learn about yourself – that’s part of the beauty of life, that nothing is ever set in stone. There are always chances to try something new or overcome a new challenge.
In my subsequent relationships, I have taken the lessons I learned, and I have made sure not to make my life about the relationship. A relationship should enhance an already full life, rather than become the central focus and distraction from an empty one. Part of this commitment to the self involves positive self-image. The thing about self-esteem is that even the most confident, intelligent people suffer from days where they just feel rotten about themselves. You really have to work at thinking positively about yourself – if something goes wrong, think about ways to fix it or rise to the challenge, rather than focusing on your perceived shortcomings. If you think positively about yourself, you will feel deserving of the relationship you have, and you are more likely to take care of it.
Even if you’re not in a relationship, a positive self-image is something everyone should work toward. Eventually, if you are in a relationship, you will be your best self, which allows a relationship to flourish rather than become unhealthy and detrimental to self-esteem. Life is too complicated, and there’s enough pressure on relationships as it is, to make your entire life focus that relationship. Plus, if you know who you are, then you will be better able to assess what you want in a relationship.
-Claire C.
Sometimes paging through self-help books provide me with more insight than I would like to admit, in spite of the cheesy covers with pictures of the ocean or the sun and the all-too-catchy titles. A few years ago, I was looking through an old collection of my parents’ books, and I stumbled across The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. It was his first line that got me – “Life is difficult.” I immediately thought to myself, no kidding, and put the book down. I asked my mom about the book later on, and she said that in its slightly tacky1970s way, the book made a pretty good point. Dr. Peck talks about personal strength in his book, about how personal growth is an on-going process that is “complex, arduous, and lifelong.” Every time I think life is too hard, I come out on the other side of my challenges more competent and sure of myself. My own personal growth effects how I act in, or think about, any relationships I’m in. As I discover who I am, I learn so much more about what I want in a relationship.
A relationship with another person is meant to be a complement to you as a person and a complement to your life, rather than your focus in life. It is important to maintain your own life, but involve your significant other in some ways. If you do everything together, then what will you have to talk about? If you are in a relationship, think about what you do on a regular basis that is just for you – not for your boyfriend or girlfriend, not for a family members, not for a friend. It is very important to take time to focus on developing yourself and learning your likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. I didn’t do this. Everything in my life revolved around my boyfriend, and although I’m not proud of it now, I made my life about the relationship. I told myself things to rationalize why I was increasingly unhappy, especially with the relationship. The truth was simple: I didn’t know who I was, so I was looking for reassurance, confidence, and security in all the wrong places. I was looking for the relationship to give me certainty when I was vulnerable, but it was actually more of a problem than a solution. Everyone is insecure to some extent in high school, and no relationship, no matter how much you do or don’t care about one another, will fix that.
It’s not to say that any relationship at a young age, or any age, isn’t worth something, because every relationship has worth in life. If it works out, then its great, but if or when it doesn’t, you learn something more about what you want in someone with whom you share your life. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that your needs come secondary to that relationship. Personal growth and commitment to yourself is still key both for your own good and the good of the bond you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s not to say that you have to have yourself all figured out to be in a relationship. If it were true that you shouldn’t be in a relationship until you had gone through all the personal growth you need to in your life, then no one would be in a healthy relationship. I hate to say it, but it’s true… Personal growth is a process, and it’s something that you will never be done with. There will always be opportunities to grow and learn about yourself – that’s part of the beauty of life, that nothing is ever set in stone. There are always chances to try something new or overcome a new challenge.
In my subsequent relationships, I have taken the lessons I learned, and I have made sure not to make my life about the relationship. A relationship should enhance an already full life, rather than become the central focus and distraction from an empty one. Part of this commitment to the self involves positive self-image. The thing about self-esteem is that even the most confident, intelligent people suffer from days where they just feel rotten about themselves. You really have to work at thinking positively about yourself – if something goes wrong, think about ways to fix it or rise to the challenge, rather than focusing on your perceived shortcomings. If you think positively about yourself, you will feel deserving of the relationship you have, and you are more likely to take care of it.
Even if you’re not in a relationship, a positive self-image is something everyone should work toward. Eventually, if you are in a relationship, you will be your best self, which allows a relationship to flourish rather than become unhealthy and detrimental to self-esteem. Life is too complicated, and there’s enough pressure on relationships as it is, to make your entire life focus that relationship. Plus, if you know who you are, then you will be better able to assess what you want in a relationship.
-Claire C.
A Day in the Life of the Greek Words for Love
I love you. I throw these words around quite often during the course of my daily routine. My enthusiastic nature sometimes causes me to shout to people who I may have just recently met, “I love you, you’re so great!” while passing. Fortunately, I also frequently say it to family and friends. Nevertheless, I wanted to challenge myself to examine how a change in my actions could give these words more magnitude. Ultimately, through research on the four Greek words for love, I have come to understand that there are many ways to feel and show love, and not just to a significant other. In addition, just because I may utter the words I love you more than the average individual that does not mean that I attribute any less importance to these words.
The majority of people are most familiar with eros, the Greek word for a romantic, sensual love. While this love has the potential to be shallow when a person fails to move past the stage of physical attraction, it manifests itself in a complete way when a person sees the beauty within in addition to physical beauty (Wuest). In this form, eros represents an example of a love that is passionate and true. While examining the presence of eros in my friends’ relationships with their boyfriends, one friend in particular comes to mind. My friend loved her boyfriend so much from the moment they met. However, I am still convinced that he initially only wanted her for the physical aspect of eros, not always treating her with the respect that she deserved. However, as time went on, I witnessed a change in him as he came to love her for who she was inside, as opposed to just her physical attributes. Since this transformation, I have seen him be much more supportive than in the past, as a way of expressing his appreciation for her inner and outer beauty, the most complete form of eros. I would not say “I love you” when the eros is felt only at the physical level. When you realize your love for a boyfriend or girlfriend goes into the other’s soul, then I would consider saying “I love you” allowing the words to hold great meaning.
Two types of non-romantic, genuine love in the Greek language include storge and philia. While storge represents the love of family for its members, specifically parents for children, philia represents friendship and helping others in the community (Wuest). Both of these loves require commitment and are very strong. Parents can show this type unconditional love for their children through verbal expressions and sacrifices that often go unnoticed. My parents express storge to me in so many ways, even through small actions, such as picking up my laundry each week and doing it for me so that I can spend more time on schoolwork and activities without having to worry about this extra task. Also, my mom brings baked goods for me each time she drops off the clean laundry. They show their storge through actions as well as words, consistently saying I love you. Children need to tell their parents more often how much they appreciate their loving presence. Parents give their children the gift of life; a powerful act with much magnitude and sacrifice, paralleling God’s gift of life for us through the death of his son Jesus. While I make sure to tell my parents each time I talk to them on the phone, I love you; I may not always remember to say it even though I always feel it. Neither parent nor child can be reminded of this storge too much by remembering to say I love you at unexpected moments.
Philia on the other hand represents a love of neighbor, community, and friend. This is the love I can relate to the most. It encompasses one’s desire to help another, and to cherish friendship (Wuest). I often wonder if I love too freely in this sense because I love making connections with people. If I can relate to an individual in a deep way, whether it be my close circle of friends, people I see during my activities, or those I meet doing service even for a brief time, if I am a better person for having spent time with them, think it’s ok to say “I love you.” If my actions constitute a relationship where I can not only take but also give back, this utterance holds weight and meaning. I do not have to see the person everyday to know the community I want to keep alive by saying I love you, the principle of philia.
Finally, the greatest form of love in the Greek language is agape, what many describe as the love of God in human form; therefore, it is a sacrificial love. This is a love of all people despite their flaws and weaknesses; hence the most difficult type where we are called to love even our enemies like Jesus did (Wuest). This love can actually be applied to any situation whether it be between significant others, parents and children, friends, or strangers. This is a selfless love that means putting others’ needs before one’s own, often exemplified by the commandment, love your neighbor as yourself. Agape is can be hard to live and to understand, as people sometimes struggle to love themselves and to look beyond themselves to extend their gifts and energy to humanity. I will now circle back to the beginning of this essay, where I describe myself on a typical day as saying I love you to acquaintances who I encounter while passing by. While this love does not necessarily need to be stated, it is in my heart and felt between me and humanity. However, I do not think it can hurt to say it either. Ultimately, agape is a love based in action, realizing the magnitude of challenging yourself to love when it is not easy.
While considering this topic, I thought I was going to make an argument for why I had to narrow the amount of people to whom I said I love you because that meant that I did not give the word enough significance. However, after examining the Greek words for love, I do not think this is necessarily true. While saying I love you to a romantic partner should be reserved for when one enters the stage of inner beauty in eros, no one can ever say I love you too much, when seeing the sentiment as a general love for family and for humanity.
Sources
Wuest, Kenneth S. "The Words for "Love" in the Greek New Testament by Dr. KennethS.
Wuest." Theologue.org - Biblical and Theology Studies. Web. 18 Apr. 2010.
.
-Katie V.
The majority of people are most familiar with eros, the Greek word for a romantic, sensual love. While this love has the potential to be shallow when a person fails to move past the stage of physical attraction, it manifests itself in a complete way when a person sees the beauty within in addition to physical beauty (Wuest). In this form, eros represents an example of a love that is passionate and true. While examining the presence of eros in my friends’ relationships with their boyfriends, one friend in particular comes to mind. My friend loved her boyfriend so much from the moment they met. However, I am still convinced that he initially only wanted her for the physical aspect of eros, not always treating her with the respect that she deserved. However, as time went on, I witnessed a change in him as he came to love her for who she was inside, as opposed to just her physical attributes. Since this transformation, I have seen him be much more supportive than in the past, as a way of expressing his appreciation for her inner and outer beauty, the most complete form of eros. I would not say “I love you” when the eros is felt only at the physical level. When you realize your love for a boyfriend or girlfriend goes into the other’s soul, then I would consider saying “I love you” allowing the words to hold great meaning.
Two types of non-romantic, genuine love in the Greek language include storge and philia. While storge represents the love of family for its members, specifically parents for children, philia represents friendship and helping others in the community (Wuest). Both of these loves require commitment and are very strong. Parents can show this type unconditional love for their children through verbal expressions and sacrifices that often go unnoticed. My parents express storge to me in so many ways, even through small actions, such as picking up my laundry each week and doing it for me so that I can spend more time on schoolwork and activities without having to worry about this extra task. Also, my mom brings baked goods for me each time she drops off the clean laundry. They show their storge through actions as well as words, consistently saying I love you. Children need to tell their parents more often how much they appreciate their loving presence. Parents give their children the gift of life; a powerful act with much magnitude and sacrifice, paralleling God’s gift of life for us through the death of his son Jesus. While I make sure to tell my parents each time I talk to them on the phone, I love you; I may not always remember to say it even though I always feel it. Neither parent nor child can be reminded of this storge too much by remembering to say I love you at unexpected moments.
Philia on the other hand represents a love of neighbor, community, and friend. This is the love I can relate to the most. It encompasses one’s desire to help another, and to cherish friendship (Wuest). I often wonder if I love too freely in this sense because I love making connections with people. If I can relate to an individual in a deep way, whether it be my close circle of friends, people I see during my activities, or those I meet doing service even for a brief time, if I am a better person for having spent time with them, think it’s ok to say “I love you.” If my actions constitute a relationship where I can not only take but also give back, this utterance holds weight and meaning. I do not have to see the person everyday to know the community I want to keep alive by saying I love you, the principle of philia.
Finally, the greatest form of love in the Greek language is agape, what many describe as the love of God in human form; therefore, it is a sacrificial love. This is a love of all people despite their flaws and weaknesses; hence the most difficult type where we are called to love even our enemies like Jesus did (Wuest). This love can actually be applied to any situation whether it be between significant others, parents and children, friends, or strangers. This is a selfless love that means putting others’ needs before one’s own, often exemplified by the commandment, love your neighbor as yourself. Agape is can be hard to live and to understand, as people sometimes struggle to love themselves and to look beyond themselves to extend their gifts and energy to humanity. I will now circle back to the beginning of this essay, where I describe myself on a typical day as saying I love you to acquaintances who I encounter while passing by. While this love does not necessarily need to be stated, it is in my heart and felt between me and humanity. However, I do not think it can hurt to say it either. Ultimately, agape is a love based in action, realizing the magnitude of challenging yourself to love when it is not easy.
While considering this topic, I thought I was going to make an argument for why I had to narrow the amount of people to whom I said I love you because that meant that I did not give the word enough significance. However, after examining the Greek words for love, I do not think this is necessarily true. While saying I love you to a romantic partner should be reserved for when one enters the stage of inner beauty in eros, no one can ever say I love you too much, when seeing the sentiment as a general love for family and for humanity.
Sources
Wuest, Kenneth S. "The Words for "Love" in the Greek New Testament by Dr. KennethS.
Wuest." Theologue.org - Biblical and Theology Studies. Web. 18 Apr. 2010.
-Katie V.
Why I am Waiting to Say "I Love You"
They’re the four letters every girl dreams of. You know, the word uttered from the mouth of Prince Charming at the moment he realizes that his life cannot go on without his one true…
LOVE. “I love you,” the strapping blond prince says…and he and his beauty live happily ever after.
“Love,” a simple word full of an innumerable amount of undeniable complexities. Musicians, writers, poets, artists, film-makers, and playwrights spend inordinate amounts of time musing over these complexities in an attempt to transform the inexplicable in to something tangible. Children and adults alike are saturated with these attempts through various forms of media and grow up hopeful that one day their very own Romeo or Juliet will sweep them off their feet. We spend our lives looking for “Happily Ever After”; we wait impatiently for our very own glass slipper, bouquets of flowers and those three monosyllabic words. After all, “All you need is love, love is all you need.”
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Not a day goes by that I don’t use this four-letter word at least thirty times. “I love Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream”; “I love the smell of sunscreen”; “I love it when I get to go to bed early.” I think we can all acknowledge that the word could not be more overused. I find it ironic that the English language uses the same word to describe the pleasure that results from eating a piece of cheese (“Oh, wow. I love this gouda!”), to describe profound adoration for and commitment to a spouse (“Christina, I love you from the bottom of my heart”). Cheese. Spouse. Weird, no?
Then there is the whole issue of dissecting the way that love is portrayed in the media. Behind all the sweet words, red roses, Hallmark cards and boxes of chocolate often lies a love rooted, not in self-sacrifice, but in selfish desires. Take, for example, the popular “love song,” “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: “And when I touch you I feel happy inside.” Let’s get things straight, I love (notice the use of the word) this song. However, you can’t deny that selfish desires exist behind these and many other all-too-famous lyrics. Were we to delve into a discussion about movies, we would discover that often, the romantic onscreen “love” that brings tears to viewers’ eyes and causes hearts everywhere to flutter actually represents nothing but lust. Yes, that’s right, lust.
So, what is love? I have many questions when it comes to the meaning of this little four-letter word. However, one thing to which I can attest is that candy, flowers, prince charming, jewelry, saying “I love you”, romantic dinners, and sex are not necessarily synonymous with love; in fact, these very misunderstandings of the word, fed to us by the media, lead us in a completely different direction. Coming from a girl who grew up with dreams of becoming Cinderella, this can be a difficult thing to swallow. So, in which direction do we turn? How do we even begin to understand the meaning of love? Out of everything I believe, of this I am most certain. In order to understand love, we must turn to the cross.
Romans 5:8: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
God loves us. To demonstrate this love, he sacrifices his son as atonement for our sins. In Sex God, Rob Bell references Ephesians, chapter 5 in explaining what it means to love another: “So the teaching of the passage in Ephesians is to love and serve the people around you, placing their needs ahead of your own, out of respect and reverence for Jesus, who gave his life for us, the ultimate act of love and sacrifice. Die to yourselves, so that others can live. Like Jesus” (Bell 114).
Love = sacrifice. It’s as simple as that. Well, maybe not so simple. It’s a little less daunting to go to the supermarket, pick up a bouquet of flowers and a card, and give them as a sign of your “love” than it is to be willing to sacrifice your own life for the person you love. But maybe love is not meant to be easy. I believe that the beauty of love lies in the challenges it brings. It tests you and your significant other to seek out God’s guidance as you learn what it means to truly love one another. In doing so, you place God at the center of your relationship and learn to grow together spiritually. It asks you to take a risk, to move beyond your own selfish desires and discover what it means to put another before yourself. It requires you to disregard the ways in which the media portrays love and abandon your understanding of love as a fairy tale. Put simply, it asks you to be like Jesus.
So why am I waiting to say, “I love you”? I have to admit, part of me is quite stubborn. I have great trouble using the same word to describe my feelings towards a man and my feelings towards ice cream. With no chance of the English language suddenly changing, I am hopeful that I can one day see past this minor frustration. More so than this, however, I am on a lifelong journey to discover exactly what it means to love another. I cannot yet fully grasp the sacrifice that love entails, but I am constantly seeking God’s guidance in understanding the true meaning of the word. Additionally, I wish to challenge myself to learn how to show someone I love him rather than simply tell someone I love him. After all, Christ does not need to tell us he loves us. The cross says enough.
Sources:
Rob Bell, Sex God (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2007)
by Kelsey Y.
LOVE. “I love you,” the strapping blond prince says…and he and his beauty live happily ever after.
“Love,” a simple word full of an innumerable amount of undeniable complexities. Musicians, writers, poets, artists, film-makers, and playwrights spend inordinate amounts of time musing over these complexities in an attempt to transform the inexplicable in to something tangible. Children and adults alike are saturated with these attempts through various forms of media and grow up hopeful that one day their very own Romeo or Juliet will sweep them off their feet. We spend our lives looking for “Happily Ever After”; we wait impatiently for our very own glass slipper, bouquets of flowers and those three monosyllabic words. After all, “All you need is love, love is all you need.”
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Not a day goes by that I don’t use this four-letter word at least thirty times. “I love Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream”; “I love the smell of sunscreen”; “I love it when I get to go to bed early.” I think we can all acknowledge that the word could not be more overused. I find it ironic that the English language uses the same word to describe the pleasure that results from eating a piece of cheese (“Oh, wow. I love this gouda!”), to describe profound adoration for and commitment to a spouse (“Christina, I love you from the bottom of my heart”). Cheese. Spouse. Weird, no?
Then there is the whole issue of dissecting the way that love is portrayed in the media. Behind all the sweet words, red roses, Hallmark cards and boxes of chocolate often lies a love rooted, not in self-sacrifice, but in selfish desires. Take, for example, the popular “love song,” “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: “And when I touch you I feel happy inside.” Let’s get things straight, I love (notice the use of the word) this song. However, you can’t deny that selfish desires exist behind these and many other all-too-famous lyrics. Were we to delve into a discussion about movies, we would discover that often, the romantic onscreen “love” that brings tears to viewers’ eyes and causes hearts everywhere to flutter actually represents nothing but lust. Yes, that’s right, lust.
So, what is love? I have many questions when it comes to the meaning of this little four-letter word. However, one thing to which I can attest is that candy, flowers, prince charming, jewelry, saying “I love you”, romantic dinners, and sex are not necessarily synonymous with love; in fact, these very misunderstandings of the word, fed to us by the media, lead us in a completely different direction. Coming from a girl who grew up with dreams of becoming Cinderella, this can be a difficult thing to swallow. So, in which direction do we turn? How do we even begin to understand the meaning of love? Out of everything I believe, of this I am most certain. In order to understand love, we must turn to the cross.
Romans 5:8: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
God loves us. To demonstrate this love, he sacrifices his son as atonement for our sins. In Sex God, Rob Bell references Ephesians, chapter 5 in explaining what it means to love another: “So the teaching of the passage in Ephesians is to love and serve the people around you, placing their needs ahead of your own, out of respect and reverence for Jesus, who gave his life for us, the ultimate act of love and sacrifice. Die to yourselves, so that others can live. Like Jesus” (Bell 114).
Love = sacrifice. It’s as simple as that. Well, maybe not so simple. It’s a little less daunting to go to the supermarket, pick up a bouquet of flowers and a card, and give them as a sign of your “love” than it is to be willing to sacrifice your own life for the person you love. But maybe love is not meant to be easy. I believe that the beauty of love lies in the challenges it brings. It tests you and your significant other to seek out God’s guidance as you learn what it means to truly love one another. In doing so, you place God at the center of your relationship and learn to grow together spiritually. It asks you to take a risk, to move beyond your own selfish desires and discover what it means to put another before yourself. It requires you to disregard the ways in which the media portrays love and abandon your understanding of love as a fairy tale. Put simply, it asks you to be like Jesus.
So why am I waiting to say, “I love you”? I have to admit, part of me is quite stubborn. I have great trouble using the same word to describe my feelings towards a man and my feelings towards ice cream. With no chance of the English language suddenly changing, I am hopeful that I can one day see past this minor frustration. More so than this, however, I am on a lifelong journey to discover exactly what it means to love another. I cannot yet fully grasp the sacrifice that love entails, but I am constantly seeking God’s guidance in understanding the true meaning of the word. Additionally, I wish to challenge myself to learn how to show someone I love him rather than simply tell someone I love him. After all, Christ does not need to tell us he loves us. The cross says enough.
Sources:
Rob Bell, Sex God (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2007)
by Kelsey Y.
The Hook Up
As a busy college student it can be hard to find time for sleep and food…much less dating. Who has the time to actually go out on a real date and sit down and get to know someone – or do we? The college dating scene is much different from anything our parents experienced. The age old tradition of boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl go out for dinner and a movie seems stale and innocent in light of today’s “Hook-Up Culture.” I ask this question, is the “Old-Fashioned Relationship” a thing of the past?
The first few dates of any relationship are an integral part of the dating process. They allow two people to get to know each other better, as they explore their common interests, likes and dislikes, and similar family backgrounds. While it might seem nice to bypass the nerves and uneasy stomach that come along with a first date, there is something charming in feeling excited about venturing out into the unknown. But what if that unknown territory no longer involves a night of good food and conversation? What if most “first dates” consist of “hooking up” after a campus party, devoid of any real conversation? Are students forgoing an emotional and spiritual connection for a night of physical affection?
Personally, I have always found the college dating scene a bit backwards. Although I have seen a few “hook-ups” transform themselves into long term relationships – these cases have been few and far between. It may be tempting to trade a night of “no strings attached” hooking-up for the effort and work that goes along with being in a relationship, but we need to ask ourselves what we are really trading. We are trading our self-respect for a moment of feeling desired. We are trading potential relationships for casual flings. Most importantly, we are trading emotional intimacy for what we believe to be physical intimacy – however true physical intimacy is not possible without first sharing emotional intimacy with another person.
Emotional intimacy allows us to truly commit ourselves to someone else. When we are able to speak about our innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, and concerns with another person, without feeling judged or constrained, we have begun to develop an emotional connection. While it may be tempting to try and mimic this connection through physical intimacy, a physical connection between two people will never reach its full potential, if it is not paired with emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is developed through the communication and shared experiences of two people, and the more honest we are with both ourselves and our significant others, the stronger this bond will become. Many times students choose to sacrifice emotional intimacy for moments of physical pleasure – not realizing that they will always be searching for physical intimacy, if they are unwilling to first develop the emotional bond beforehand.
In the college dating culture, what are we truly looking for in our relationships? Do we really want strings of random nights – or are we longing for that deeper connection; a connection that can only come out of being in a committed relationship. So here’s the “hook-up” – we need to stop looking for love and commitment from sources that will never give us the TRUE emotional intimacy necessary for such feelings. We need to be TRUE to ourselves and realize that we are worth more than a night of casual physical intimacy. When we leave the “hook-up” at the door, it’s amazing what might be waiting on the other side.
-Sara Jane L
The first few dates of any relationship are an integral part of the dating process. They allow two people to get to know each other better, as they explore their common interests, likes and dislikes, and similar family backgrounds. While it might seem nice to bypass the nerves and uneasy stomach that come along with a first date, there is something charming in feeling excited about venturing out into the unknown. But what if that unknown territory no longer involves a night of good food and conversation? What if most “first dates” consist of “hooking up” after a campus party, devoid of any real conversation? Are students forgoing an emotional and spiritual connection for a night of physical affection?
Personally, I have always found the college dating scene a bit backwards. Although I have seen a few “hook-ups” transform themselves into long term relationships – these cases have been few and far between. It may be tempting to trade a night of “no strings attached” hooking-up for the effort and work that goes along with being in a relationship, but we need to ask ourselves what we are really trading. We are trading our self-respect for a moment of feeling desired. We are trading potential relationships for casual flings. Most importantly, we are trading emotional intimacy for what we believe to be physical intimacy – however true physical intimacy is not possible without first sharing emotional intimacy with another person.
Emotional intimacy allows us to truly commit ourselves to someone else. When we are able to speak about our innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, and concerns with another person, without feeling judged or constrained, we have begun to develop an emotional connection. While it may be tempting to try and mimic this connection through physical intimacy, a physical connection between two people will never reach its full potential, if it is not paired with emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is developed through the communication and shared experiences of two people, and the more honest we are with both ourselves and our significant others, the stronger this bond will become. Many times students choose to sacrifice emotional intimacy for moments of physical pleasure – not realizing that they will always be searching for physical intimacy, if they are unwilling to first develop the emotional bond beforehand.
In the college dating culture, what are we truly looking for in our relationships? Do we really want strings of random nights – or are we longing for that deeper connection; a connection that can only come out of being in a committed relationship. So here’s the “hook-up” – we need to stop looking for love and commitment from sources that will never give us the TRUE emotional intimacy necessary for such feelings. We need to be TRUE to ourselves and realize that we are worth more than a night of casual physical intimacy. When we leave the “hook-up” at the door, it’s amazing what might be waiting on the other side.
-Sara Jane L
The Languages of Love
The Interpretation of Love Languages
Dr. Gary Chapman coined the term “Love Languages” in his book for struggling couples who have trouble communicating their love. In, “The Five Love Languages”, Dr. Chapman strives to help those in relationships speak the love language of their significant other. The love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Chapman’s theory is that each person’s requirement and expression of love can be comprised of one or more of these love languages and that without proper cultivation of these languages a relationship can wither and die. Since people tend to reciprocate love in the manner in which they desire love, it is important for couples to understand not only their spouses love language, but their own language as well. As long as both spouses understand their own needs and communicate these needs to their partner, there is no reason a couple cannot learn to love their spouse in the correct manner.
The first love language, words of affirmation, is important to many individuals (especially women), because it boosts feelings of self worth, confidence, love, and self esteem. Many individuals need to hear from their spouses that they are loved, beautiful, and that they truly mean a lot to one another. On the flipside, when this is not someone’s love language, too many compliments or reasons for love can make some people feel uncomfortable. When it comes down to it, everyone needs to hear “I love you” sometimes, but it is important to realize how much is enough. People should consider whether or not being showered with compliments is the right medicine for love.
The second love language, quality time, is also a vital aspect of any relationship, but may mean much more to some people than others. Many times, couples need to find a balance of time to spend with one another, because one spouse may enjoy constant attention while the other may require their necessary space to keep sane. The definition of “quality time” may also shift as a relationship changes, and both partners need to be aware of this fact. While the man in a relationship may have spent significant time with his friends while he was dating, after he is married his wife will most likely expect him to spend more time with her. This expectation is not out of the ordinary, but the wife also needs to understand that she cannot smother and suffocate her husband either. It is also imperative to define what quality time consists of, because one spouse may feel they have spent a plethora of time with their significant other, while the other spouse may not consider this time true “quality time.” As mentioned before, communication is also vital to this process because each person must be certain they are compromising effectively, so that neither feels their spouse is taking advantage of them.
The third love language, receiving gifts, does not usually constitute a breaking point in a relationship but it can cause dreadful arguments and lead to increased dissension. Many people view gift giving as a tangible sign of love that shows their spouse actually cares enough to spend their time and money to make them happy. Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day, and even an arbitrary Tuesday are all necessary times to splurge for your spouse. Women especially, find that flowers, tickets to activities, or jewelry are all very important to a relationship because men may not always be extremely vocal in their affirmation of love. Gifts do not even necessarily have to be expensive, they simply have to be from the heart and sometimes hold a deeper meaning that will create memories for your marriage or relationship.
The fourth love language, acts of service, pertains primarily to permanent situations like marriage, where a couple has moved past the magical stage of romance and passionate love. At this point, couples are learning how to beat the daily grind while still striving to keep their marriage focused on the love they share. If one spouse feels they are constantly involved with the upkeep of the house or transporting the children everywhere, they may become exasperated and perhaps even irritated that their husband or wife is not contributing. Granted, the opposing spouse may be earning the majority of the money at work all day, but it is simply unfair for one spouse to have the entire household to look after. Taking care of chores without being asked and helping in other small ways can be extremely uplifting for either spouse, and it really demands very little work or attention. It is important, however, that the spouse who is the primary housekeeper constantly shows appreciation for the spouse who works all day as well. It can be tiresome to cook dinner, feed the dogs, vacuum, and cater to children every day, but it is also exhausting to work over forty hours a week to pay the bills. Also, if both spouses work away from home, it can be even more important that they split the housework, so that one does not feel used or overburdened.
The final love language, physical touch, goes beyond the bedroom because it is more about safety, security, and sensuality rather than the act of sexual intercourse. Many people need to be touched constantly through kissing, massages, hugs, caresses, or simple touches of the arm, face, or neck. These sensual touches can communicate numerous emotions from one partner to another, but they are almost always positive feelings. For many people, touching conveys a sense of calm, love, tenderness, devotion, and caring that words may come short of expressing sufficiently. Each person is radically different in the amount of touch they desire, the time, and the setting in which intimacy occurs however, so it is important to realize your spouse’s comfort level.
Understanding the five languages of love is invaluable to every relationship because everyone experiences love in a different way. If couples can come to terms with their personal love language, they should have the ability to realize the needs of their partner. While it is not always easy to express love in certain ways, especially for more introverted men, it is fundamental to a relationship to treat your spouse with the love and respect they deserve and expect. Relationships can be extremely difficult, but with the openness and desire to understand your partner and their love language, relationships can grow into one of the most fulfilling experiences of our lives.
Citation: Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2010. Print.
Garrett B.
Dr. Gary Chapman coined the term “Love Languages” in his book for struggling couples who have trouble communicating their love. In, “The Five Love Languages”, Dr. Chapman strives to help those in relationships speak the love language of their significant other. The love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Chapman’s theory is that each person’s requirement and expression of love can be comprised of one or more of these love languages and that without proper cultivation of these languages a relationship can wither and die. Since people tend to reciprocate love in the manner in which they desire love, it is important for couples to understand not only their spouses love language, but their own language as well. As long as both spouses understand their own needs and communicate these needs to their partner, there is no reason a couple cannot learn to love their spouse in the correct manner.
The first love language, words of affirmation, is important to many individuals (especially women), because it boosts feelings of self worth, confidence, love, and self esteem. Many individuals need to hear from their spouses that they are loved, beautiful, and that they truly mean a lot to one another. On the flipside, when this is not someone’s love language, too many compliments or reasons for love can make some people feel uncomfortable. When it comes down to it, everyone needs to hear “I love you” sometimes, but it is important to realize how much is enough. People should consider whether or not being showered with compliments is the right medicine for love.
The second love language, quality time, is also a vital aspect of any relationship, but may mean much more to some people than others. Many times, couples need to find a balance of time to spend with one another, because one spouse may enjoy constant attention while the other may require their necessary space to keep sane. The definition of “quality time” may also shift as a relationship changes, and both partners need to be aware of this fact. While the man in a relationship may have spent significant time with his friends while he was dating, after he is married his wife will most likely expect him to spend more time with her. This expectation is not out of the ordinary, but the wife also needs to understand that she cannot smother and suffocate her husband either. It is also imperative to define what quality time consists of, because one spouse may feel they have spent a plethora of time with their significant other, while the other spouse may not consider this time true “quality time.” As mentioned before, communication is also vital to this process because each person must be certain they are compromising effectively, so that neither feels their spouse is taking advantage of them.
The third love language, receiving gifts, does not usually constitute a breaking point in a relationship but it can cause dreadful arguments and lead to increased dissension. Many people view gift giving as a tangible sign of love that shows their spouse actually cares enough to spend their time and money to make them happy. Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day, and even an arbitrary Tuesday are all necessary times to splurge for your spouse. Women especially, find that flowers, tickets to activities, or jewelry are all very important to a relationship because men may not always be extremely vocal in their affirmation of love. Gifts do not even necessarily have to be expensive, they simply have to be from the heart and sometimes hold a deeper meaning that will create memories for your marriage or relationship.
The fourth love language, acts of service, pertains primarily to permanent situations like marriage, where a couple has moved past the magical stage of romance and passionate love. At this point, couples are learning how to beat the daily grind while still striving to keep their marriage focused on the love they share. If one spouse feels they are constantly involved with the upkeep of the house or transporting the children everywhere, they may become exasperated and perhaps even irritated that their husband or wife is not contributing. Granted, the opposing spouse may be earning the majority of the money at work all day, but it is simply unfair for one spouse to have the entire household to look after. Taking care of chores without being asked and helping in other small ways can be extremely uplifting for either spouse, and it really demands very little work or attention. It is important, however, that the spouse who is the primary housekeeper constantly shows appreciation for the spouse who works all day as well. It can be tiresome to cook dinner, feed the dogs, vacuum, and cater to children every day, but it is also exhausting to work over forty hours a week to pay the bills. Also, if both spouses work away from home, it can be even more important that they split the housework, so that one does not feel used or overburdened.
The final love language, physical touch, goes beyond the bedroom because it is more about safety, security, and sensuality rather than the act of sexual intercourse. Many people need to be touched constantly through kissing, massages, hugs, caresses, or simple touches of the arm, face, or neck. These sensual touches can communicate numerous emotions from one partner to another, but they are almost always positive feelings. For many people, touching conveys a sense of calm, love, tenderness, devotion, and caring that words may come short of expressing sufficiently. Each person is radically different in the amount of touch they desire, the time, and the setting in which intimacy occurs however, so it is important to realize your spouse’s comfort level.
Understanding the five languages of love is invaluable to every relationship because everyone experiences love in a different way. If couples can come to terms with their personal love language, they should have the ability to realize the needs of their partner. While it is not always easy to express love in certain ways, especially for more introverted men, it is fundamental to a relationship to treat your spouse with the love and respect they deserve and expect. Relationships can be extremely difficult, but with the openness and desire to understand your partner and their love language, relationships can grow into one of the most fulfilling experiences of our lives.
Citation: Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2010. Print.
Garrett B.
The Bible is Sexy
Celebrating Sexuality through the Song of Songs
Sex. Say that word in Christian community, and you’ll be met with uneasy glances and a few gasps. It makes parents nervous and teenagers curious. It shows up all the time in the media and almost never in a sermon.
Despite Church teaching to the contrary, many of us have grown up sensing the Church’s disapproval of sex and sexuality, even within the proper context of marriage. Such has been the prevailing attitude for a number of years. But this simply isn’t Biblical!
Sheltered within the Old Testament books of wisdom and prophecy is a love poem, Solomon’s Song of Songs. It’s erotic, it’s specific, it’s incredibly juicy—even for the modern reader. Particularly sensual bits include an invitation to “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (1). The Lover in the poem later proclaims to his Beloved, “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit’” (2).
This is unmistakably sexy stuff. It can’t be explained away as mere metaphor. While Song of Songs is certainly a forward-looking text, illuminating the New Testament lover imagery between Christ and the Church, it’s also a celebration of the raw joy of sexual love between husband and wife.
It isn’t an instance of private sexy pillow talk either. The friends of the Lover and Beloved are present, too, encouraging the couple, “Drink your fill, o Lovers” (3).
It’s sexy, it’s direct, it’s public, and it’s celebrated.
Quite different from the tame and thoughtful speeches given at wedding receptions. The presence of the friends, though, opens our eyes to two important facts. The first is that this couple is part of a community in which they openly proclaim their love. The second is that the relationship between this couple and their friends is a nurturing and caring one. The friends both encourage the lovers and challenge them to make sure their love is true. Similarly, the lovers invite their friends to rejoice with them, but also caution often, “Do not awaken love until it so desires” (4). In this erotic, sensual, scriptural poem, sexual love is to be revered and celebrated within the marital relationship.
The presence of the Song of Songs in Scripture, the divinely inspired Word of God, is proof that we serve a God who deeply values and respects the pleasure of human sexual love. In fact, our experience of earthly love is a real participation in the love of God. In the proper context, “Sharing of pleasure itself, the pure erotic energy between two people and their carnal delight in each other’s bodies, is itself a communion in grace” (5). The abandonment to love between two humans is an analogue and an inspiration for abandonment to love of God.
Sadly, the Church has had a hard time recognizing this. Historically, virgins and celibates were canonized, while married Christians received no recognition for their holiness; they did not walk that “narrow road” of sacrifice. Many felt sex’s only redeeming quality was that it brings children—future Christians—into the world. It wasn’t until the movement of the Second Vatican Council and Pope John Paul II’s teachings that the Church began to unveil the positive aspects of human sexuality through educating Christians about God's plan for sexuality. Vatican II refused to make the statement that sex was intended solely, or even primarily, for procreation. John Paul II, earlier in his ministry, had even written of the value of married couples learning to achieve simultaneous orgasm!
But this wasn’t just a response to an increasingly sex-saturated society. This attitude of joy and excitement about the pleasures of marital sexual love existed long before the Church was formed, before Christ even began His ministry. It’s an enthusiasm we clearly see in Song of Songs.
Sex is not to be condemned or feared, as we’ve often seen in historical Christianity and in the Church today. God is perfect love, and He designed us to love, and to be able to love sexually. Sexual love is something to be revered, respected, and celebrated, as we see in Song of Songs—written proof that the Bible is sexy.
by Cayce L. Lista
(1) Song of Songs 4:16, NIV.
(2) Song of Songs 7:7-8.
(3) Song of Songs 5:1
(4) Verse first found in Song of Songs 2:7.
(5) Historical information from: Gaillardetz, Richard. A Daring Promise: A Spirituality of Christian Marriage. Crossroad General Interest: Liguori, Mo, 2007. Chapter 5: “Marriage and Sexuality.” (This quotation p. 93).
Sex. Say that word in Christian community, and you’ll be met with uneasy glances and a few gasps. It makes parents nervous and teenagers curious. It shows up all the time in the media and almost never in a sermon.
Despite Church teaching to the contrary, many of us have grown up sensing the Church’s disapproval of sex and sexuality, even within the proper context of marriage. Such has been the prevailing attitude for a number of years. But this simply isn’t Biblical!
Sheltered within the Old Testament books of wisdom and prophecy is a love poem, Solomon’s Song of Songs. It’s erotic, it’s specific, it’s incredibly juicy—even for the modern reader. Particularly sensual bits include an invitation to “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (1). The Lover in the poem later proclaims to his Beloved, “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit’” (2).
This is unmistakably sexy stuff. It can’t be explained away as mere metaphor. While Song of Songs is certainly a forward-looking text, illuminating the New Testament lover imagery between Christ and the Church, it’s also a celebration of the raw joy of sexual love between husband and wife.
It isn’t an instance of private sexy pillow talk either. The friends of the Lover and Beloved are present, too, encouraging the couple, “Drink your fill, o Lovers” (3).
It’s sexy, it’s direct, it’s public, and it’s celebrated.
Quite different from the tame and thoughtful speeches given at wedding receptions. The presence of the friends, though, opens our eyes to two important facts. The first is that this couple is part of a community in which they openly proclaim their love. The second is that the relationship between this couple and their friends is a nurturing and caring one. The friends both encourage the lovers and challenge them to make sure their love is true. Similarly, the lovers invite their friends to rejoice with them, but also caution often, “Do not awaken love until it so desires” (4). In this erotic, sensual, scriptural poem, sexual love is to be revered and celebrated within the marital relationship.
The presence of the Song of Songs in Scripture, the divinely inspired Word of God, is proof that we serve a God who deeply values and respects the pleasure of human sexual love. In fact, our experience of earthly love is a real participation in the love of God. In the proper context, “Sharing of pleasure itself, the pure erotic energy between two people and their carnal delight in each other’s bodies, is itself a communion in grace” (5). The abandonment to love between two humans is an analogue and an inspiration for abandonment to love of God.
Sadly, the Church has had a hard time recognizing this. Historically, virgins and celibates were canonized, while married Christians received no recognition for their holiness; they did not walk that “narrow road” of sacrifice. Many felt sex’s only redeeming quality was that it brings children—future Christians—into the world. It wasn’t until the movement of the Second Vatican Council and Pope John Paul II’s teachings that the Church began to unveil the positive aspects of human sexuality through educating Christians about God's plan for sexuality. Vatican II refused to make the statement that sex was intended solely, or even primarily, for procreation. John Paul II, earlier in his ministry, had even written of the value of married couples learning to achieve simultaneous orgasm!
But this wasn’t just a response to an increasingly sex-saturated society. This attitude of joy and excitement about the pleasures of marital sexual love existed long before the Church was formed, before Christ even began His ministry. It’s an enthusiasm we clearly see in Song of Songs.
Sex is not to be condemned or feared, as we’ve often seen in historical Christianity and in the Church today. God is perfect love, and He designed us to love, and to be able to love sexually. Sexual love is something to be revered, respected, and celebrated, as we see in Song of Songs—written proof that the Bible is sexy.
by Cayce L. Lista
(1) Song of Songs 4:16, NIV.
(2) Song of Songs 7:7-8.
(3) Song of Songs 5:1
(4) Verse first found in Song of Songs 2:7.
(5) Historical information from: Gaillardetz, Richard. A Daring Promise: A Spirituality of Christian Marriage. Crossroad General Interest: Liguori, Mo, 2007. Chapter 5: “Marriage and Sexuality.” (This quotation p. 93).
Love vs. Lust: Sex in the Media
The media is everywhere. Whether it be television, radio, newspapers or the internet, the media is ever present in one’s life. Therefore, the media helps dictate pop culture and what is the norm. One of the most popular themes in culture has been that of love. Whether it was the Beatles singing “Can’t Buy Me Love”, Noah and Allie’s budding romance in The Notebook or the media’s coverage of celebrities’ relationships, love is an ever present theme. Through its depiction of love, the media emphasizes that passionate sex, love at first sight and infatuation are central to any love story. However, these portrayals of love are far from accurate. So while most hope for these aspects of love, they are in fact unknowingly longing for something else - lust.
Love and lust are extremely different, yet very easy to confuse in our present day culture. Christian author Christopher West states in his talk “Freedom to Love”, (based on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body) that lust “treats others as objects, sees the body as something, is directed towards self gratification and sacrifices others for oneself”. Therefore, lust is focused on the self rather than the other person in the relationship. This is distinctly different from actual love, as love “affirms others as subjects, respects the body as someone, is directed towards self-donation and sacrifices oneself for others”. Here, instead of focus on the self, one is focused on self-sacrifice for another. These differences make it clear, as if we did not already know, that true love is hard to find.
In the 1997 box office smash Titanic, Jack and Rose “fall in love” during the ship’s maiden, and only, voyage. Together, they explore the ship, experience romantic moments and even share physical intimacy. As the credits role, it’s easy to see why so many enjoy the
“love” the characters share, as it’s spontaneous and romantic throughout the film. However, upon applying West’s logic, the label of “love story” quickly unravels. Rose’s main reason for following Jack is because she is attempting to escape the wrath of her inconsiderate fiancée. In a way, she is using Jack as an escape and as an adventure, a form of self gratification. On the flip side, Jack has found an upper class girl who is interested in him. This interest allows him to imagine a life of wealth that was previously unimaginable. While this is not intended to ruin the glamour of 1997’s Best Picture, it does demonstrate that even in the one of the most classic cinematic love stories, the intentions of both parties may have been selfish, and therefore lustful.
Aside from attempting to define what true love is, the media also tries to define relationship normalcy. Seeing how some of our favorite characters act while dating or married influences how we perceive relationships. In the 1950’s hit show I Love Lucy, Ricky and Lucy helped define a
classic couple. They were a married couple who had small misunderstandings and slept in separate beds in their shared bedroom. This depiction demonstrated that marital arguments and sexual life were extremely private. Today, the media depicts reality quite differently as sex and promiscuity are clear themes. While the FCC had hard rules against showing a married couple in the same bed during the 1950’s, it now allows fairly racy scenes and storylines.
An example of this can be found in one of the most famous television shows in history. Friends was viewed by millions weekly throughout the late ‘90’s and early 2000’s, with each viewer tuning in with the hope that Ross and Rachel would finally get together. With such a huge fan-base, this popular show helped establish social norms when it came to dating and relationships. In the show, Joey consistently has one night stands with girls he can’t even recall, Chandler and Monica cohabit prior to marrying and Ross and Rachel have a child out of wedlock. While these mentioned behaviors have grown more common in the past few decades, the show makes it seem as though this is how dating and relationships are in reality. It therefore encourages many behaviors that can be counterintuitive to finding love, as defined by West. Furthermore, Friends aired at 8pm on Thursday nights, meaning that many young teens were in the audience. Its depiction of relationships negatively affects teens’ ideas of sex and dating, as some teens may presume that sex is a basic part of any relationship, when in fact it is anything but.
Love and lust are extremely different, yet very easy to confuse in our present day culture. Christian author Christopher West states in his talk “Freedom to Love”, (based on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body) that lust “treats others as objects, sees the body as something, is directed towards self gratification and sacrifices others for oneself”. Therefore, lust is focused on the self rather than the other person in the relationship. This is distinctly different from actual love, as love “affirms others as subjects, respects the body as someone, is directed towards self-donation and sacrifices oneself for others”. Here, instead of focus on the self, one is focused on self-sacrifice for another. These differences make it clear, as if we did not already know, that true love is hard to find.
In the 1997 box office smash Titanic, Jack and Rose “fall in love” during the ship’s maiden, and only, voyage. Together, they explore the ship, experience romantic moments and even share physical intimacy. As the credits role, it’s easy to see why so many enjoy the
“love” the characters share, as it’s spontaneous and romantic throughout the film. However, upon applying West’s logic, the label of “love story” quickly unravels. Rose’s main reason for following Jack is because she is attempting to escape the wrath of her inconsiderate fiancée. In a way, she is using Jack as an escape and as an adventure, a form of self gratification. On the flip side, Jack has found an upper class girl who is interested in him. This interest allows him to imagine a life of wealth that was previously unimaginable. While this is not intended to ruin the glamour of 1997’s Best Picture, it does demonstrate that even in the one of the most classic cinematic love stories, the intentions of both parties may have been selfish, and therefore lustful.Aside from attempting to define what true love is, the media also tries to define relationship normalcy. Seeing how some of our favorite characters act while dating or married influences how we perceive relationships. In the 1950’s hit show I Love Lucy, Ricky and Lucy helped define a
classic couple. They were a married couple who had small misunderstandings and slept in separate beds in their shared bedroom. This depiction demonstrated that marital arguments and sexual life were extremely private. Today, the media depicts reality quite differently as sex and promiscuity are clear themes. While the FCC had hard rules against showing a married couple in the same bed during the 1950’s, it now allows fairly racy scenes and storylines.An example of this can be found in one of the most famous television shows in history. Friends was viewed by millions weekly throughout the late ‘90’s and early 2000’s, with each viewer tuning in with the hope that Ross and Rachel would finally get together. With such a huge fan-base, this popular show helped establish social norms when it came to dating and relationships. In the show, Joey consistently has one night stands with girls he can’t even recall, Chandler and Monica cohabit prior to marrying and Ross and Rachel have a child out of wedlock. While these mentioned behaviors have grown more common in the past few decades, the show makes it seem as though this is how dating and relationships are in reality. It therefore encourages many behaviors that can be counterintuitive to finding love, as defined by West. Furthermore, Friends aired at 8pm on Thursday nights, meaning that many young teens were in the audience. Its depiction of relationships negatively affects teens’ ideas of sex and dating, as some teens may presume that sex is a basic part of any relationship, when in fact it is anything but.
In no way should one attempt to escape the media as the media provides many wonderful functions such as information and entertainment. The goal is to make clear that what is pictured on television is not always an accurate depiction of true love and relationships. It is important for the youth to filter the media, knowing what is accurate and what is exaggeration. Titanic and Friends should not be thrown aside; one should just take them more as entertainment than as accurate portrayals of reality. For true love probably cannot be found in a week long voyage or in a knight saving a damsel in distress, but rather through a life-long commitment of self to another.
-Michael B.
Theology of the Body
“Christians must not retreat from what the sexual revolution began, Christians must complete what the sexual revolution began” Christopher West preaches at a Theology of the Body presentation. “The union of man and women itself is meant to be here on planet earth, as an image, a foretaste, a little glimmer, into the eternal ecstasy and bliss that awaits us in heaven”. Christopher West, a world renowned speaker on the Theology of the Body, claims that we all have this yearning and aching to be loved, and in the midst of a fallen world we have grown to be ashamed of our bodies. But to the contrary, our bodies are holy and in fact, the most sacred thing on earth.
A series of speeches by Pope John Paul II, Theology of the Body is aimed at sharing God’s original plan for sexual love, and takes an authentic look at what it means to truly be human when applying the pope’s view on moral sexuality. The Theology of the Body affords “the rediscovery of the meaning of the whole of existence, of the meaning of life” (TOB 49:3). In his Theology of the Body John Paul II digs deep into the meaning of being a human person based on Scripture. As a person with a body and soul, made in the image and likeness of God, we find the meaning of life through finding out what it means to image God and what our bodies have to do with it.
Through his Theology of the Body, John Paul II seeks to present to us the Gospel message of love in a new, deep, and profound way. He knows that love is what all people seek. He goes so far as to say, “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience love and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.” (Redeemer of man)
Use these helpful links for the Theology of the Body:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqRKvNX4IKU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUfTbBi1K0Q&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnDJDT0TSbE&feature=related
http://www.jp2.info/Theology_of_the_Body.pdf
http://www.godsexandthemeaningoflife.com/THEOLOGY_OF_THE_BODY_summary.pdf
http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0109.html
Please please please follow Christopher West, with his books, presentations, youtube, dvd presentations; whatever you can do. Christopher truly presents the TOB in a way that simply just gets across to the youth, like you and I. He is a phenomenal speaker, and believe me, the message he presents will get become true to you!
Here is my interpretation of Christopher West’s interpretation of the Theology of the Body-“Freedom to Love”:
Christopher West’s presentation of the Theology of the Body-“Freedom to Love” is aimed at sharing God’s original plan for sexuality (love), and takes an authentic look at what it means to truly be human when applying Pope John Paul II’s view on moral sexuality. The Theology of the Body (TOB) affords “the rediscovery of the meaning of the whole of existence, of the meaning of life” (TOB 49:3).
Christopher West, a world-renowned speaker on Pope John Paul II’s encyclical titled the “Theology of the Body”, quickly lures in his audience by proclaiming that if you have a body this theology applies to you. Upon which he immediately makes a clear distinction that ‘theology’ and ‘body’ can in fact be studied one in the same. In Mr. West’s first presentation, he takes a deep look into the importance of the physical body and analyzes God’s intentions and love.
How is it that Christians believe in the invisible God whose pure Spirit is totally beyond our vision? It is through the physical body of Jesus that we see our God made visible in which we call the Incarnation. Therefore, without going any further, it is safe to say that, in itself, the body is an extremely powerful thing and can be used much to our advantage. Likewise, this immensely powerful thing can be used in many wrong ways, which we will soon take a look at. God had stamped us male and female by these powerful things called bodies to show his intentions of his eternal plan of love. This eternal plan of love is depicted most often in the spousal image of man and woman. The Bible begins and ends with marriages- Adam-Eve and Christ-Church, and Ephesians 5 offers that man and woman (in marriage) shall become one flesh reflecting the union between Christ and His Church. In his discussions about the love of man and woman, “Christ himself points to the marriage of the beginning (Adam and Eve, unashamed of their nakedness), the marriage of our ultimate destiny (union in the kingdom of God), and our history in marriage (our need of purification)” (Freedom to Love pg 3, 4). These are the three key words of Christ for the sake of love, especially between man and woman. But before one can simply love as planned, one must be free in order to do so.
The love that many of us have come to know has been merely imprinted on us by society, but we need to realize that love, in fact, has many faces. The expression “falling in love” is something we hear a lot but can easily be proven as misleading. The components that make up the process of falling in love are parts of the picture but do not draw it in its entirety. “Emotions, feelings, and sensual attractions constitute only the raw material of love” (Love and Responsibility pg 139). Authentic love is attracted not just by sexual attributes or “qualities” of a person because qualities are repeatable, can be found in others, while the person is unrepeatable. With the necessary pieces to fill in the puzzle, authentic love is in reach.
“Authentic love does not say: ‘I long for you as a good’ but ‘I long for your good’, ‘I long for that which is good for you’. The person who truly loves longs for this with no ulterior motive, and no selfish consideration. This is the purest form of love and it brings the greatest fulfillment. But without this purest form of love and all that it entails, we receive only the counterfeit of what we were looking for; and that is lust.
“Lust impels people very powerfully towards physical intimacy. But if this grows out of nothing more than lust it is not love, in fact, it negates love” (Love and Responsibility pg 150-151). Love affirms others as subjects, respects the body as someone, is directed towards self-donation, and sacrifices oneself for others. On the other hand, lust treats others as objects, sees the body as a thing, is directed towards self-gratification, and sacrifices others for oneself. Lust looks to others as an outlet to please themselves. “Far from feeling loved and affirmed as a unique and unrepeatable person, those objectified by lust feel used and debased as a repeatable commodity” (Freedom to Love 21). We are called to be servants to one another, not use each other as objects or as a commodity. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. … [and] love one another as I have loved you” (Jn 15:9-12). In order to love others as Christ loves, we must first receive Christ’s love. We cannot give what we don’t have, like anything in life. One cannot teach someone how to be happy unless they themselves are happy, and one can teach someone how to play basketball unless they themselves know how to play basketball. This is one of the most fascinating things about the Theology of the Body, at least in my opinion. We must first be able to love ourselves and experience God’s love in us before we can learn how to love other people. And who better to teach us how to love than the almighty lover himself. But before we can love others faithfully as God has, we must practice the key component that is chastity.
Chastity is not a “no” to love, but a “no” to lust. It demands that we say “no” to lust in order to free us to say “yes” to authentic love. Authentic love is impossible without chastity; for chastity is the virtue that orients all our sexual desires and emotions toward the truth of love. (Freedom to Love 19) Chastity, from a subjective opinion, is a tool needed to go into battle and without it we are at a major setback from those who have it. One does not just become chaste, but instead it requires much practice and learning. It is through exercising chastity in which we achieve the love most pure- Christ’s love.
Christ’s love, along with many things, comes down to be free, total, faithful, and fruitful which we also call marriage. Questioning of marriage and sexual morality come down to one basic question: Is this act an authentic sign of God’s free, total, faithful, fruitful love or is it not? With this “rubric” we are able to evaluate and deem acts of ourselves and our bodies “right and wrong”. But because we can speak the truth with our bodies, we likewise are able to speak lies. As we continually speak truths through our life we are conformed inwardly to Christ, our bodies also resound with holiness. And when we can mimic the free, total, faithful, and fruitful that God has for the world, we then in union with God, experience the true reality of what it is to be human.
-Stephen V.
A series of speeches by Pope John Paul II, Theology of the Body is aimed at sharing God’s original plan for sexual love, and takes an authentic look at what it means to truly be human when applying the pope’s view on moral sexuality. The Theology of the Body affords “the rediscovery of the meaning of the whole of existence, of the meaning of life” (TOB 49:3). In his Theology of the Body John Paul II digs deep into the meaning of being a human person based on Scripture. As a person with a body and soul, made in the image and likeness of God, we find the meaning of life through finding out what it means to image God and what our bodies have to do with it.
Through his Theology of the Body, John Paul II seeks to present to us the Gospel message of love in a new, deep, and profound way. He knows that love is what all people seek. He goes so far as to say, “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience love and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.” (Redeemer of man)
Use these helpful links for the Theology of the Body:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqRKvNX4IKU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUfTbBi1K0Q&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnDJDT0TSbE&feature=related
http://www.jp2.info/Theology_of_the_Body.pdf
http://www.godsexandthemeaningoflife.com/THEOLOGY_OF_THE_BODY_summary.pdf
http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0109.html
Please please please follow Christopher West, with his books, presentations, youtube, dvd presentations; whatever you can do. Christopher truly presents the TOB in a way that simply just gets across to the youth, like you and I. He is a phenomenal speaker, and believe me, the message he presents will get become true to you!
Here is my interpretation of Christopher West’s interpretation of the Theology of the Body-“Freedom to Love”:
Christopher West’s presentation of the Theology of the Body-“Freedom to Love” is aimed at sharing God’s original plan for sexuality (love), and takes an authentic look at what it means to truly be human when applying Pope John Paul II’s view on moral sexuality. The Theology of the Body (TOB) affords “the rediscovery of the meaning of the whole of existence, of the meaning of life” (TOB 49:3).
Christopher West, a world-renowned speaker on Pope John Paul II’s encyclical titled the “Theology of the Body”, quickly lures in his audience by proclaiming that if you have a body this theology applies to you. Upon which he immediately makes a clear distinction that ‘theology’ and ‘body’ can in fact be studied one in the same. In Mr. West’s first presentation, he takes a deep look into the importance of the physical body and analyzes God’s intentions and love.
How is it that Christians believe in the invisible God whose pure Spirit is totally beyond our vision? It is through the physical body of Jesus that we see our God made visible in which we call the Incarnation. Therefore, without going any further, it is safe to say that, in itself, the body is an extremely powerful thing and can be used much to our advantage. Likewise, this immensely powerful thing can be used in many wrong ways, which we will soon take a look at. God had stamped us male and female by these powerful things called bodies to show his intentions of his eternal plan of love. This eternal plan of love is depicted most often in the spousal image of man and woman. The Bible begins and ends with marriages- Adam-Eve and Christ-Church, and Ephesians 5 offers that man and woman (in marriage) shall become one flesh reflecting the union between Christ and His Church. In his discussions about the love of man and woman, “Christ himself points to the marriage of the beginning (Adam and Eve, unashamed of their nakedness), the marriage of our ultimate destiny (union in the kingdom of God), and our history in marriage (our need of purification)” (Freedom to Love pg 3, 4). These are the three key words of Christ for the sake of love, especially between man and woman. But before one can simply love as planned, one must be free in order to do so.
The love that many of us have come to know has been merely imprinted on us by society, but we need to realize that love, in fact, has many faces. The expression “falling in love” is something we hear a lot but can easily be proven as misleading. The components that make up the process of falling in love are parts of the picture but do not draw it in its entirety. “Emotions, feelings, and sensual attractions constitute only the raw material of love” (Love and Responsibility pg 139). Authentic love is attracted not just by sexual attributes or “qualities” of a person because qualities are repeatable, can be found in others, while the person is unrepeatable. With the necessary pieces to fill in the puzzle, authentic love is in reach.
“Authentic love does not say: ‘I long for you as a good’ but ‘I long for your good’, ‘I long for that which is good for you’. The person who truly loves longs for this with no ulterior motive, and no selfish consideration. This is the purest form of love and it brings the greatest fulfillment. But without this purest form of love and all that it entails, we receive only the counterfeit of what we were looking for; and that is lust.
“Lust impels people very powerfully towards physical intimacy. But if this grows out of nothing more than lust it is not love, in fact, it negates love” (Love and Responsibility pg 150-151). Love affirms others as subjects, respects the body as someone, is directed towards self-donation, and sacrifices oneself for others. On the other hand, lust treats others as objects, sees the body as a thing, is directed towards self-gratification, and sacrifices others for oneself. Lust looks to others as an outlet to please themselves. “Far from feeling loved and affirmed as a unique and unrepeatable person, those objectified by lust feel used and debased as a repeatable commodity” (Freedom to Love 21). We are called to be servants to one another, not use each other as objects or as a commodity. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. … [and] love one another as I have loved you” (Jn 15:9-12). In order to love others as Christ loves, we must first receive Christ’s love. We cannot give what we don’t have, like anything in life. One cannot teach someone how to be happy unless they themselves are happy, and one can teach someone how to play basketball unless they themselves know how to play basketball. This is one of the most fascinating things about the Theology of the Body, at least in my opinion. We must first be able to love ourselves and experience God’s love in us before we can learn how to love other people. And who better to teach us how to love than the almighty lover himself. But before we can love others faithfully as God has, we must practice the key component that is chastity.
Chastity is not a “no” to love, but a “no” to lust. It demands that we say “no” to lust in order to free us to say “yes” to authentic love. Authentic love is impossible without chastity; for chastity is the virtue that orients all our sexual desires and emotions toward the truth of love. (Freedom to Love 19) Chastity, from a subjective opinion, is a tool needed to go into battle and without it we are at a major setback from those who have it. One does not just become chaste, but instead it requires much practice and learning. It is through exercising chastity in which we achieve the love most pure- Christ’s love.
Christ’s love, along with many things, comes down to be free, total, faithful, and fruitful which we also call marriage. Questioning of marriage and sexual morality come down to one basic question: Is this act an authentic sign of God’s free, total, faithful, fruitful love or is it not? With this “rubric” we are able to evaluate and deem acts of ourselves and our bodies “right and wrong”. But because we can speak the truth with our bodies, we likewise are able to speak lies. As we continually speak truths through our life we are conformed inwardly to Christ, our bodies also resound with holiness. And when we can mimic the free, total, faithful, and fruitful that God has for the world, we then in union with God, experience the true reality of what it is to be human.
-Stephen V.
Living Together: A Christian Perspective on Cohabitation
“Why Buy the Cow, When You Can Get the Milk for Free?”
In today’s society cohabitation is as common as dating. In spite of what is considered ‘normal’ today, living together before marriage is not beneficial emotionally or spiritually. In this modern age, living together feels like a vital step in a relationship than a destructive and potential harmful experience which can leave both you and your relationship dissatisfied. What makes cohabitating morally wrong? What even defines cohabitation? Before deciding whether or not to move in with your partner, you should take the time to reflect on the consequences of living together.
According to the National Conference of Catholic Bishops (NCCB) Marriage and Family Committee cohabitation is defined as “living together in a sexual relationship without marriage” . Although couples who are living together and do not participate in acts of premarital sex are considered in good standing with the Christian faith, the emotional benefits of waiting to live together until marriage are significant and should be taken into consideration.
So, why does the Christian community encourage living together only after marriage? The greatest difficulty with cohabitation is that it undermines the grace and beauty of marriage. Living together lacks the true commitment which marriage gives to couples thus providing a false foundation for their relationship. In addition, cohabitation gives rise to sexual relations outside of the union of marriage. When people are cohabitating together, they have greater opportunity and less desire to restrain from intercourse. Sex outside of the institution of marriage is damaging personally and to relationships because of its lack of the respect for procreation and the sanctity of marriage (See post on pre-marital sex for more information). Many individuals may assume that if they are already having premarital sex, it does not matter if they decide to live together because they are already are violating Christian values by having premarital sex. However, this is untrue. Living together only further violates the institution of marriage. Living together produces all the obstacles of marriage without receiving the support that the institution of marriage provides.
Couples have numerous reasons for why they personally choose to live together before marriage. These reasons include strengthening relationships, financial implications, and marriage preparation. Some couples cohabit in an effort to test their relationship and see if they are compatible. Despite the fact that cohabitation appears to give them a chance to grow closer together and learn more about themselves, it has been shown that living together before marriage does not increase martial happiness but actually decreases it . Other couples find cohabitation necessary for financial reason and to insure economic security. While cohabitation may seem like an easy answer to financial problems, couples face many new problems and challenges they must resolve together. These additional problems add stress to a time when couples should be strengthening and developing their relationship. Another reason why couples cohabit is that they view cohabitation as an essential step in a relationship leading to marriage. Despite the intentions of those entering into cohabitation, it has been documented cohabitation does not increase the likelihood of marriage; rather those individuals who live together before marriage are found “as likely to return to singleness as enter into marriage” .
Since cohabitation is defined as living together in a sexual union, what are the consequences of having sex outside of marriage? Sex is a sign of total and mutual commitment between two partners. It requires a deep level of trust and respect. Cohabitation is a temporary arrangement where the partners can choose to leave at will; therefore, cohabitation lacks the trust necessary to support the emotional implications of sex. Sex without marriage is opposite of a sign of commitment. Without the security of a partner’s commitment, both cohabitation and sex can lead to emotional damage.
Although, I have not personally cohabited, I have closely observed one of my friends who chosen to live with her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend. Though her experience was not a completely positive one, as indicated by their decision to separate, she has discovered important emotional consequences and aspects about cohabitation. By sharing her story, I hope to reveal some of the issues with cohabitation that she faced.
Foremost, it is important to realize my friend chose to live with her boyfriend not because she was trying to take the relationship to the next level, but she felt that cohabiting would create a safer environment for her to live. She was moving to a foreign city where rent was expensive and the only way to live in a safe area was to live with other people she knew and trusted.
At that time in her life, cohabitating was the most reasonable solution for her. Why should she spend the more money to pay for another room when she was probably going to spend all of her time in the same place anyway? Also, if she did live with other roommates, she reasoned that the roommate could have problems with having a constant visitor. Though the relationship was serious and marriage was a possibility, in retrospect she realized the cohabitation, though originally convenient, is very inconvenient in the long term because of its emotional implications.
When discussing cohabitation with her, some of issues of cohabitation she mentioned were difficulty leaving the relationship and new conflicts that arise out solely out of cohabiting. Rent and bills determined their level of commitment and made it harder to leave the relationship. New decisions and plans had to be made as how they would maintain the apartment and live together. Also cohabitation forces couples to see how they worked together as a team. If an argument arose, there was nowhere for either of them to disappear and calm down. The relationship took on a different dynamic. The emotional implications of cohabitation caused more stress and difficulties in their relationship rather than creating a fostering environment in which their relationship could grow.
Living together is not a necessary step of development in relationships before marriage. I choose to reveal my friends’ personal reasons for cohabiting because I believe that many young adults share similar reasoning for deciding to live together. While they may not be looking for marriage as an outcome of cohabitation, they are allowing cohabitation to function as a form of dating or means of getting to know each other better. Cohabitation should not be used as a form of dating because it creates more problems without the help and commitment of marriage. According to the statistics of the NCCB, seventy-six percent of couples who plan to marry and are cohabiting, only around fifty percent of these couples end up marrying .Cohabitation is not a necessary step in the journey towards marriage. Before you decide to live with someone remember, “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?”
Heather P
Works Cited:
Scott, Karen. “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Report”. Perspectives on
Marriage. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007.
(http://foryourmarriage.org/dating-engaged/must-have-conversations/intimacy-cohabitation/)
In today’s society cohabitation is as common as dating. In spite of what is considered ‘normal’ today, living together before marriage is not beneficial emotionally or spiritually. In this modern age, living together feels like a vital step in a relationship than a destructive and potential harmful experience which can leave both you and your relationship dissatisfied. What makes cohabitating morally wrong? What even defines cohabitation? Before deciding whether or not to move in with your partner, you should take the time to reflect on the consequences of living together.
According to the National Conference of Catholic Bishops (NCCB) Marriage and Family Committee cohabitation is defined as “living together in a sexual relationship without marriage” . Although couples who are living together and do not participate in acts of premarital sex are considered in good standing with the Christian faith, the emotional benefits of waiting to live together until marriage are significant and should be taken into consideration.
So, why does the Christian community encourage living together only after marriage? The greatest difficulty with cohabitation is that it undermines the grace and beauty of marriage. Living together lacks the true commitment which marriage gives to couples thus providing a false foundation for their relationship. In addition, cohabitation gives rise to sexual relations outside of the union of marriage. When people are cohabitating together, they have greater opportunity and less desire to restrain from intercourse. Sex outside of the institution of marriage is damaging personally and to relationships because of its lack of the respect for procreation and the sanctity of marriage (See post on pre-marital sex for more information). Many individuals may assume that if they are already having premarital sex, it does not matter if they decide to live together because they are already are violating Christian values by having premarital sex. However, this is untrue. Living together only further violates the institution of marriage. Living together produces all the obstacles of marriage without receiving the support that the institution of marriage provides.
Couples have numerous reasons for why they personally choose to live together before marriage. These reasons include strengthening relationships, financial implications, and marriage preparation. Some couples cohabit in an effort to test their relationship and see if they are compatible. Despite the fact that cohabitation appears to give them a chance to grow closer together and learn more about themselves, it has been shown that living together before marriage does not increase martial happiness but actually decreases it . Other couples find cohabitation necessary for financial reason and to insure economic security. While cohabitation may seem like an easy answer to financial problems, couples face many new problems and challenges they must resolve together. These additional problems add stress to a time when couples should be strengthening and developing their relationship. Another reason why couples cohabit is that they view cohabitation as an essential step in a relationship leading to marriage. Despite the intentions of those entering into cohabitation, it has been documented cohabitation does not increase the likelihood of marriage; rather those individuals who live together before marriage are found “as likely to return to singleness as enter into marriage” .
Since cohabitation is defined as living together in a sexual union, what are the consequences of having sex outside of marriage? Sex is a sign of total and mutual commitment between two partners. It requires a deep level of trust and respect. Cohabitation is a temporary arrangement where the partners can choose to leave at will; therefore, cohabitation lacks the trust necessary to support the emotional implications of sex. Sex without marriage is opposite of a sign of commitment. Without the security of a partner’s commitment, both cohabitation and sex can lead to emotional damage.
Although, I have not personally cohabited, I have closely observed one of my friends who chosen to live with her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend. Though her experience was not a completely positive one, as indicated by their decision to separate, she has discovered important emotional consequences and aspects about cohabitation. By sharing her story, I hope to reveal some of the issues with cohabitation that she faced.
Foremost, it is important to realize my friend chose to live with her boyfriend not because she was trying to take the relationship to the next level, but she felt that cohabiting would create a safer environment for her to live. She was moving to a foreign city where rent was expensive and the only way to live in a safe area was to live with other people she knew and trusted.
At that time in her life, cohabitating was the most reasonable solution for her. Why should she spend the more money to pay for another room when she was probably going to spend all of her time in the same place anyway? Also, if she did live with other roommates, she reasoned that the roommate could have problems with having a constant visitor. Though the relationship was serious and marriage was a possibility, in retrospect she realized the cohabitation, though originally convenient, is very inconvenient in the long term because of its emotional implications.
When discussing cohabitation with her, some of issues of cohabitation she mentioned were difficulty leaving the relationship and new conflicts that arise out solely out of cohabiting. Rent and bills determined their level of commitment and made it harder to leave the relationship. New decisions and plans had to be made as how they would maintain the apartment and live together. Also cohabitation forces couples to see how they worked together as a team. If an argument arose, there was nowhere for either of them to disappear and calm down. The relationship took on a different dynamic. The emotional implications of cohabitation caused more stress and difficulties in their relationship rather than creating a fostering environment in which their relationship could grow.
Living together is not a necessary step of development in relationships before marriage. I choose to reveal my friends’ personal reasons for cohabiting because I believe that many young adults share similar reasoning for deciding to live together. While they may not be looking for marriage as an outcome of cohabitation, they are allowing cohabitation to function as a form of dating or means of getting to know each other better. Cohabitation should not be used as a form of dating because it creates more problems without the help and commitment of marriage. According to the statistics of the NCCB, seventy-six percent of couples who plan to marry and are cohabiting, only around fifty percent of these couples end up marrying .Cohabitation is not a necessary step in the journey towards marriage. Before you decide to live with someone remember, “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?”
Heather P
Works Cited:
Scott, Karen. “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Report”. Perspectives on
Marriage. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007.
(http://foryourmarriage.org/dating-engaged/must-have-conversations/intimacy-cohabitation/)
Waiting Before "I Do"-ing It
You shouldn’t have sex until after you’re married.
Chances are that if you’re reading this blog, you’ve been told some variation of that advice at least once in your life. And statistically speaking, chances are you’ve also had premarital sex. A 2006 study by the Guttmacher Institute in New York has found that by age 20, 77% of respondents had had sex and 75% had had premarital sex. And according to a 2008 Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health study, “Teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence and are significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control when they do.” Then there are all the statistics about physical health and sex, such as “Nineteen million new STD infections occur each year, almost half of them among young people ages 15 to 24.” The numbers are there and they can be frightening, but at the same time they are just numbers. Throwing a bunch of statistics at the youth of America is not the way to promote abstinence.
Catholic Church teaching clearly explains that abstinence should be practiced by unmarried individuals, but it can be intimidating and may read more like a list of “don’ts”. In my experience, this is really off-putting for young adults. I’m not here to try to convince everyone to remain abstinent, but I do think that if we all tried to better understand why the Church believes in waiting, in the end we will see that it actually makes sense.
The teachings of the Church are certainly all consistent and logical, but for some reason people still disregard them. There seems to be a gap between understanding them and explaining how they should be implemented into everyday life. First, rather than seeing sexual morality as what one can or cannot do, author Christopher West suggests seeing what it means to follow Christ’s example of selfless love and applying that to relationships. This love is grounded in totality, faith, freedom, and is meant to be forever. While there are people who probably possess the faith and freedom to love, how many couples can confidently and truthfully say they love their partner with the totality and intention of permanence that West is talking about? Boyfriends and girlfriends can split up, fiancés can break their engagement, but the vow that is taken in marriage is really the only way to accomplish all of these factors that make up real love.
Those who participate in the sacrament of marriage share in a special union that cannot be achieved by two individuals who have not shared marriage vows. West specifically points out that the sexual aspect of marriage is no different. It is apparent that a couple must put in a lot of work to get to the level of a true bond worthy of marriage, and “the fact that a couple is now married does not automatically make their sexual union what it is supposed to be.” Having premarital sex, no matter what their level of commitment, only shows that a couple does not understand the importance of the act or the true meaning of love as God intended it. Once a man and a woman can truly love each other and therefore get married, sex can act as a renewal of their wedding vows as it is supposed to be. It is also important to see that a marriage bond is sealed by the Holy Spirit and can only be broken through death. Those who are casually having sex, dating, or even engaged have not yet established this connection and therefore have not recognized the sanctity and the permanence that marriage conveys on all aspects of the lives of the two individuals, including their sexual relationship.
It is no secret that in our society sex before marriage is an accepted, if not normal, part of life. I think the challenge now is to reshape the way we think about this topic and the way the Church presents it. On the health side of the argument, delaying sex until marriage or abstinence is the only method supported by medical research that offers 100 percent protection from sexually transmitted diseases and early pregnancy. But people also need to start thinking about sex in relation to true love and commitment. Can a couple who have not committed to spend the rest of their together through marriage truly be in love and have a healthy sexual relationship? Rather than stressing what people shouldn’t do or what is wrong, the Church and society need to start educating young people about love and marriage and then allow people to make their own decisions with that information. If that is enough to change the mind of one or two individuals, I think eventually the trend will start to spread and once and for all we will see a significant decrease in premarital sex.
Written by: Kat D.
Sources used:
Finer, Lawrence B. Trends in Premarital Sex in the United States, 1954–2003. Public Health Reports.
Stein, Rob. "Premarital Abstinence Pledges Ineffective, Study Finds." The Washington Post. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/28/AR2008122801588.html
West, Christopher. "Good News about Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions about Catholic Teaching". Cincinnati, Ohio: Charis Servant, 2004,(65-73).
http://www.rmfc.org/RMFC-Abstinence.pdf
http://www.sadd.org/stats.htm#stds
Chances are that if you’re reading this blog, you’ve been told some variation of that advice at least once in your life. And statistically speaking, chances are you’ve also had premarital sex. A 2006 study by the Guttmacher Institute in New York has found that by age 20, 77% of respondents had had sex and 75% had had premarital sex. And according to a 2008 Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health study, “Teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence and are significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control when they do.” Then there are all the statistics about physical health and sex, such as “Nineteen million new STD infections occur each year, almost half of them among young people ages 15 to 24.” The numbers are there and they can be frightening, but at the same time they are just numbers. Throwing a bunch of statistics at the youth of America is not the way to promote abstinence.
Catholic Church teaching clearly explains that abstinence should be practiced by unmarried individuals, but it can be intimidating and may read more like a list of “don’ts”. In my experience, this is really off-putting for young adults. I’m not here to try to convince everyone to remain abstinent, but I do think that if we all tried to better understand why the Church believes in waiting, in the end we will see that it actually makes sense.
The teachings of the Church are certainly all consistent and logical, but for some reason people still disregard them. There seems to be a gap between understanding them and explaining how they should be implemented into everyday life. First, rather than seeing sexual morality as what one can or cannot do, author Christopher West suggests seeing what it means to follow Christ’s example of selfless love and applying that to relationships. This love is grounded in totality, faith, freedom, and is meant to be forever. While there are people who probably possess the faith and freedom to love, how many couples can confidently and truthfully say they love their partner with the totality and intention of permanence that West is talking about? Boyfriends and girlfriends can split up, fiancés can break their engagement, but the vow that is taken in marriage is really the only way to accomplish all of these factors that make up real love.
Those who participate in the sacrament of marriage share in a special union that cannot be achieved by two individuals who have not shared marriage vows. West specifically points out that the sexual aspect of marriage is no different. It is apparent that a couple must put in a lot of work to get to the level of a true bond worthy of marriage, and “the fact that a couple is now married does not automatically make their sexual union what it is supposed to be.” Having premarital sex, no matter what their level of commitment, only shows that a couple does not understand the importance of the act or the true meaning of love as God intended it. Once a man and a woman can truly love each other and therefore get married, sex can act as a renewal of their wedding vows as it is supposed to be. It is also important to see that a marriage bond is sealed by the Holy Spirit and can only be broken through death. Those who are casually having sex, dating, or even engaged have not yet established this connection and therefore have not recognized the sanctity and the permanence that marriage conveys on all aspects of the lives of the two individuals, including their sexual relationship.
It is no secret that in our society sex before marriage is an accepted, if not normal, part of life. I think the challenge now is to reshape the way we think about this topic and the way the Church presents it. On the health side of the argument, delaying sex until marriage or abstinence is the only method supported by medical research that offers 100 percent protection from sexually transmitted diseases and early pregnancy. But people also need to start thinking about sex in relation to true love and commitment. Can a couple who have not committed to spend the rest of their together through marriage truly be in love and have a healthy sexual relationship? Rather than stressing what people shouldn’t do or what is wrong, the Church and society need to start educating young people about love and marriage and then allow people to make their own decisions with that information. If that is enough to change the mind of one or two individuals, I think eventually the trend will start to spread and once and for all we will see a significant decrease in premarital sex.
Written by: Kat D.
Sources used:
Finer, Lawrence B. Trends in Premarital Sex in the United States, 1954–2003. Public Health Reports.
Stein, Rob. "Premarital Abstinence Pledges Ineffective, Study Finds." The Washington Post. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/28/AR2008122801588.html
West, Christopher. "Good News about Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions about Catholic Teaching". Cincinnati, Ohio: Charis Servant, 2004,(65-73).
http://www.rmfc.org/RMFC-Abstinence.pdf
http://www.sadd.org/stats.htm#stds
Let's Talk About Relationships
We all know what it feels like to be in a new relationship…all you can think about is that person and all you want to do is be with that person. This wonderful stage is filled with romantic dates, long conversations and butterflies in the stomach and stars in the eyes. While it is fun to enjoy this stage, many of us know it won’t last. We have to get back to the real world and call back the friend who left a message last week. I would caution those who think this stage should never end and wish to forever live in a world of two; while your significant other may now be the most important person in your life, he/she should not be the only person. Other people, especially parents and friends, can be positive influences on relationships. Though a relationship only involves two people, it is necessary to maintain the prior connections we have with other people because they can give us advice and guidance.
Children look to their parents for advice on all sorts of things. So why do couples have such a hard time asking for relationship advice? I mean we ask them to give us money for food, to help us pay for gas, we ask them about school and life. Many young people think that their parents won’t understand because they are not immediately involved in the situation. However, they have endured similar experiences and could be a valuable source of information. Even if you disagree with your parent’s viewpoints, it is important to hear them out. “The basic point is that it’s important to respect the views of the parents [and] to understand what ‘respect’ means. Respect means to look at something more than once” This is directed at all those young people out there who nod and smile and forget what their parents have said before they have even left the room. I would discourage this mindset because even though we hate to admit it, we learn many other things from our parents. Additionally, our parents have known us longer than anyone else in our lives and probably know more about us than we realize. Sometimes it is important to listen to their thoughts even if they say something we don’t want to hear.
Friends are another valuable source of insight; they may be even more helpful. We can’t choose our family but we do choose our friends so there must be something we saw in them that attracted us. Since friends are chosen we are more willing to listen. They have goods advice like parents and “close friends sometimes see us more objectively than we see ourselves or than our partner sees us.” Have you ever tried on a shirt and thought you looked great and asked a friend for advice? The look on their face told you something was horribly wrong so you wore something else. And boy weren’t you glad you did because the next time you took the shirt out of the closet it looked uglier than ever. Despite all these great qualities friends have, these people can be a great source of tension within a friendship. Sometimes this is the friend’s fault, they just can’t adjust to the new relationship or they weren’t a great friend in the first place. However, more often than not the friend has done nothing wrong and the source of the conflict comes from within the couple. Usually, one partner wants to stay in the honeymoon stage where the world only consists of two people. They are worried that by leaving this state the other partner will change their mind and move on to new things.
This mindset usually stems from the insecurity and jealousy of one partner. The jealous partner sees everyone else as rivals and intruders. He or she will do anything to prevent this competition either by criticizing the intruder or even attacking the partner. Have you ever heard someone say “Oh Mary is a bad friend to Molly, Molly really shouldn’t hang out with her?” Well maybe this is true but be careful, this could be a nicely worded assault on Molly’s character; the underlying implication is that Molly is unable to choose good friends for herself. If these words come out of your significant other’s mouth about a close friend, it may not actually be in your best interest. Although you may think it is sweet or romantic that your partner wants you all to his or her self, it isn’t realistic. As people we have to realize that not one person can meet all of our needs. We need friends, lovers, families, teachers, coworkers etc. You wouldn’t walk into a baker and ask him for medical advice, so why would you expect your partner to act like your parent? This jealous nature can go from sweet to scary when you are unable to enjoy anyone but your partner’s company. We all know how it feels to only want to be with one person. No one should ever be in the position where there is only one person with whom we are able to be.
Children look to their parents for advice on all sorts of things. So why do couples have such a hard time asking for relationship advice? I mean we ask them to give us money for food, to help us pay for gas, we ask them about school and life. Many young people think that their parents won’t understand because they are not immediately involved in the situation. However, they have endured similar experiences and could be a valuable source of information. Even if you disagree with your parent’s viewpoints, it is important to hear them out. “The basic point is that it’s important to respect the views of the parents [and] to understand what ‘respect’ means. Respect means to look at something more than once” This is directed at all those young people out there who nod and smile and forget what their parents have said before they have even left the room. I would discourage this mindset because even though we hate to admit it, we learn many other things from our parents. Additionally, our parents have known us longer than anyone else in our lives and probably know more about us than we realize. Sometimes it is important to listen to their thoughts even if they say something we don’t want to hear.
Friends are another valuable source of insight; they may be even more helpful. We can’t choose our family but we do choose our friends so there must be something we saw in them that attracted us. Since friends are chosen we are more willing to listen. They have goods advice like parents and “close friends sometimes see us more objectively than we see ourselves or than our partner sees us.” Have you ever tried on a shirt and thought you looked great and asked a friend for advice? The look on their face told you something was horribly wrong so you wore something else. And boy weren’t you glad you did because the next time you took the shirt out of the closet it looked uglier than ever. Despite all these great qualities friends have, these people can be a great source of tension within a friendship. Sometimes this is the friend’s fault, they just can’t adjust to the new relationship or they weren’t a great friend in the first place. However, more often than not the friend has done nothing wrong and the source of the conflict comes from within the couple. Usually, one partner wants to stay in the honeymoon stage where the world only consists of two people. They are worried that by leaving this state the other partner will change their mind and move on to new things.
This mindset usually stems from the insecurity and jealousy of one partner. The jealous partner sees everyone else as rivals and intruders. He or she will do anything to prevent this competition either by criticizing the intruder or even attacking the partner. Have you ever heard someone say “Oh Mary is a bad friend to Molly, Molly really shouldn’t hang out with her?” Well maybe this is true but be careful, this could be a nicely worded assault on Molly’s character; the underlying implication is that Molly is unable to choose good friends for herself. If these words come out of your significant other’s mouth about a close friend, it may not actually be in your best interest. Although you may think it is sweet or romantic that your partner wants you all to his or her self, it isn’t realistic. As people we have to realize that not one person can meet all of our needs. We need friends, lovers, families, teachers, coworkers etc. You wouldn’t walk into a baker and ask him for medical advice, so why would you expect your partner to act like your parent? This jealous nature can go from sweet to scary when you are unable to enjoy anyone but your partner’s company. We all know how it feels to only want to be with one person. No one should ever be in the position where there is only one person with whom we are able to be.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Getting Over Past Relationships
“It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...”
We’ve all heard this popular saying, but is there really any truth to it? If you’ve ever experienced a tough break-up, you would know that there are hardly any feelings of thanks or appreciation involved. All you feel is the pain and heartache that losing love brings you.
So what are you to do then? One minute everything was good: lunch together in the cafeteria, study sessions in the library, dinner and a movie on the weekends, then the next thing you know, your world gets turned upside down. You’re left with nothing but cards, clothes, and memories; not just the good memories but also memories of all the arguments, bad habits, and “sure signs” of why you two were never meant to be together. A broken heart will attempt to search through the past relationship to find out exactly where things went wrong. Nursing a broken heart will make you over analyze and blow things out of proportion. At this point, a newly single person is vulnerable and emotionally unstable so any logic used to understand the past relationship is not actually helping them get over it. Constantly questioning the relationship and yourself while your emotions are raging will only result in burning unanswered questions that will never be resolved.
Everyone has their own break-up routine and way of dealing. Whether it is to isolate themselves for a while, hang out with friends more frequently, or pick up a new hobby, the idea is to keep your mind and time occupied. The new feeling of freedom can be refreshing and at the same time sting of loneliness. This healing time is necessary because it allows you to let go and detach from the relationship completely. In order to do so remember that you cannot attempt to be friends with your ex right away. There is a lot of work to be done in order to transition from loving that person as a significant other to caring for them as strictly a friend; you need space. Space will allow you to get over that person without resenting them, letting you reminisce and eventually interact with them without holding any anger or hurt.
So how can any good come from this past relationship that has done nothing but caused you anguish? An important step after letting go and healing is to take hold of that past relationship. Once you’re emotionally ready to think about the past, you will see that you are now able to look at it with a more rational viewpoint. Now you can look back at the different stages and events within your past relationship and attempt to analyze it for what it really was. A good way of doing this is to make a list. Listing the good and bad qualities of your relationship, your ex, and even yourself will allow you to understand the significance behind the pain that you previously experienced and also raise reasonable questions. Is it that you actually miss your ex or do you just not like being alone? Asking questions like this helps you focus on what motivates you to seek and be in a relationship with another person. By doing this, newly single people are able to determine characteristics they want in a relationship and future love interests. By determining what means the most to you, you are also getting a better understanding of yourself, your values, and what truly makes you happy.
Getting to know yourself better during this process of recovery will allow you to move on to healthier relationships or to live more happily single. By getting a better grasp on your likes and dislikes, as well as reasons you want a relationship, you can make better life decisions as to what or who you are looking for. You might decide to focus on yourself and remain single for a while, nurturing the needs that you’ve discovered. Or if you’re ready to move on, you will now be able to date without running purely off emotion and ego, seeing the other person in their true light. In this way, breakups can be seen as a blessing in disguise. That grief that seemed to never end, does and following it is the sense of accomplishment and strength. After fully getting over a past relationship, those newly single people are able to continue on in life with more wisdom and growth.
When you don’t take the time to heal properly and attempt to draw the good from past relationships, you are setting yourself up for relationship failure. I know this from personal experience. I didn’t do these things or take this advice and ended up hurting myself even more. Upon meeting a new guy, I would anticipate his faults and wrongdoings. I judged him based on his style of dress, his group of friends, and the way he talked because I compared him to every other guy in my past. I brought all of the negative beliefs I had about relationships into my new ones, and of course it caused them to fail. I was sick of attracting the “same” type of guys, guys that all acted the same and treated me in a way I didn’t want to be treated. It wasn’t until one of my best friends went through the same thing that I realized I was still holding on to my pain and I hadn’t taken the time to really understand it. I started connecting all of my negative opinions to things that had happened to me in my past or to ex-boyfriends who embodied those bad habits. I started working on myself, becoming more aware of the things that satisfy me or drive me crazy. It wasn’t until I made a conscious choice to let go of that negativity and focus more on the good in myself and in relationships that I could finally move on to lead a happier life. By having a more positive attitude and getting to know myself better, I can honestly say I’m very content with my relationship, my life, and most importantly myself.
References/Links:
•http://www.inspiration4everyone.com/relationships/relationship_breakups/getting_over_breakups.html
•http://www.enotalone.com/article/2418.html
•http://www.helium.com/items/1489976-tips-for-moving-on-after-a-bad-breakup?page=2
Recommended Reading:
Elliot, Susan J. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Lifelong Books. 2009. http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/
Victoria S.
We’ve all heard this popular saying, but is there really any truth to it? If you’ve ever experienced a tough break-up, you would know that there are hardly any feelings of thanks or appreciation involved. All you feel is the pain and heartache that losing love brings you.
So what are you to do then? One minute everything was good: lunch together in the cafeteria, study sessions in the library, dinner and a movie on the weekends, then the next thing you know, your world gets turned upside down. You’re left with nothing but cards, clothes, and memories; not just the good memories but also memories of all the arguments, bad habits, and “sure signs” of why you two were never meant to be together. A broken heart will attempt to search through the past relationship to find out exactly where things went wrong. Nursing a broken heart will make you over analyze and blow things out of proportion. At this point, a newly single person is vulnerable and emotionally unstable so any logic used to understand the past relationship is not actually helping them get over it. Constantly questioning the relationship and yourself while your emotions are raging will only result in burning unanswered questions that will never be resolved.
Everyone has their own break-up routine and way of dealing. Whether it is to isolate themselves for a while, hang out with friends more frequently, or pick up a new hobby, the idea is to keep your mind and time occupied. The new feeling of freedom can be refreshing and at the same time sting of loneliness. This healing time is necessary because it allows you to let go and detach from the relationship completely. In order to do so remember that you cannot attempt to be friends with your ex right away. There is a lot of work to be done in order to transition from loving that person as a significant other to caring for them as strictly a friend; you need space. Space will allow you to get over that person without resenting them, letting you reminisce and eventually interact with them without holding any anger or hurt.
So how can any good come from this past relationship that has done nothing but caused you anguish? An important step after letting go and healing is to take hold of that past relationship. Once you’re emotionally ready to think about the past, you will see that you are now able to look at it with a more rational viewpoint. Now you can look back at the different stages and events within your past relationship and attempt to analyze it for what it really was. A good way of doing this is to make a list. Listing the good and bad qualities of your relationship, your ex, and even yourself will allow you to understand the significance behind the pain that you previously experienced and also raise reasonable questions. Is it that you actually miss your ex or do you just not like being alone? Asking questions like this helps you focus on what motivates you to seek and be in a relationship with another person. By doing this, newly single people are able to determine characteristics they want in a relationship and future love interests. By determining what means the most to you, you are also getting a better understanding of yourself, your values, and what truly makes you happy.
Getting to know yourself better during this process of recovery will allow you to move on to healthier relationships or to live more happily single. By getting a better grasp on your likes and dislikes, as well as reasons you want a relationship, you can make better life decisions as to what or who you are looking for. You might decide to focus on yourself and remain single for a while, nurturing the needs that you’ve discovered. Or if you’re ready to move on, you will now be able to date without running purely off emotion and ego, seeing the other person in their true light. In this way, breakups can be seen as a blessing in disguise. That grief that seemed to never end, does and following it is the sense of accomplishment and strength. After fully getting over a past relationship, those newly single people are able to continue on in life with more wisdom and growth.
When you don’t take the time to heal properly and attempt to draw the good from past relationships, you are setting yourself up for relationship failure. I know this from personal experience. I didn’t do these things or take this advice and ended up hurting myself even more. Upon meeting a new guy, I would anticipate his faults and wrongdoings. I judged him based on his style of dress, his group of friends, and the way he talked because I compared him to every other guy in my past. I brought all of the negative beliefs I had about relationships into my new ones, and of course it caused them to fail. I was sick of attracting the “same” type of guys, guys that all acted the same and treated me in a way I didn’t want to be treated. It wasn’t until one of my best friends went through the same thing that I realized I was still holding on to my pain and I hadn’t taken the time to really understand it. I started connecting all of my negative opinions to things that had happened to me in my past or to ex-boyfriends who embodied those bad habits. I started working on myself, becoming more aware of the things that satisfy me or drive me crazy. It wasn’t until I made a conscious choice to let go of that negativity and focus more on the good in myself and in relationships that I could finally move on to lead a happier life. By having a more positive attitude and getting to know myself better, I can honestly say I’m very content with my relationship, my life, and most importantly myself.
References/Links:
•http://www.inspiration4everyone.com/relationships/relationship_breakups/getting_over_breakups.html
•http://www.enotalone.com/article/2418.html
•http://www.helium.com/items/1489976-tips-for-moving-on-after-a-bad-breakup?page=2
Recommended Reading:
Elliot, Susan J. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Lifelong Books. 2009. http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/
Victoria S.
Suggested Readings
"Theology of the Body Explained"-Christopher West
"Freedom to Love"-Christopher West
"Before the Wedding: Look Before You Leap" Michael Cavanagh
Bell, Rob. Sex God. Zondervan: Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2007
Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2010.
Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages for Singles. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2004.
Elliot, Susan J. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Lifelong Books. 2009. http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/
Gaillardetz, Richard. A Daring Promise: A Spirituality of Christian Marriage. Crossroad General Interest: Liguori, Mo, 2007.
"Love in Greek" http://www.greeceindex.com/various/greek_love_words.html
Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002.
Scott, Karen. “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Report”. Perspectives on Marriage. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007.
St. James, Rebecca. Wait for Me Rediscovering The Joy Of Purity In Romance. Thomas Nelson Inc, 2006. Print. *Also check out her song titled "Wait for Me"!
West, Christopher, and Charles J. Chaput. Good News about Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions about Catholic Teaching. Cincinnati, Ohio: Charis Servant, 2004. Print.
Winner, Lauren F. Real Sex: the Naked Truth about Chastity. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Brazos, 2005. Print.
Wuest, Kenneth S. "The Words for "Love" in the Greek New Testament." http://www.theologue.org/Love-KSWuest.html
Wuest, Kenneth S. "Theologue.org - Biblical and Theology Studies." Web. 18 Apr. 2010.
"Freedom to Love"-Christopher West
"Before the Wedding: Look Before You Leap" Michael Cavanagh
Bell, Rob. Sex God. Zondervan: Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2007
Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2010.
Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages for Singles. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2004.
Elliot, Susan J. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Lifelong Books. 2009. http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/
Gaillardetz, Richard. A Daring Promise: A Spirituality of Christian Marriage. Crossroad General Interest: Liguori, Mo, 2007.
"Love in Greek" http://www.greeceindex.com/various/greek_love_words.html
Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002.
Scott, Karen. “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Report”. Perspectives on Marriage. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007.
St. James, Rebecca. Wait for Me Rediscovering The Joy Of Purity In Romance. Thomas Nelson Inc, 2006. Print. *Also check out her song titled "Wait for Me"!
West, Christopher, and Charles J. Chaput. Good News about Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions about Catholic Teaching. Cincinnati, Ohio: Charis Servant, 2004. Print.
Winner, Lauren F. Real Sex: the Naked Truth about Chastity. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Brazos, 2005. Print.
Wuest, Kenneth S. "The Words for "Love" in the Greek New Testament." http://www.theologue.org/Love-KSWuest.html
Wuest, Kenneth S. "Theologue.org - Biblical and Theology Studies." Web. 18 Apr. 2010.
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