The Languages of Love

The Interpretation of Love Languages

Dr. Gary Chapman coined the term “Love Languages” in his book for struggling couples who have trouble communicating their love. In, “The Five Love Languages”, Dr. Chapman strives to help those in relationships speak the love language of their significant other. The love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Chapman’s theory is that each person’s requirement and expression of love can be comprised of one or more of these love languages and that without proper cultivation of these languages a relationship can wither and die. Since people tend to reciprocate love in the manner in which they desire love, it is important for couples to understand not only their spouses love language, but their own language as well. As long as both spouses understand their own needs and communicate these needs to their partner, there is no reason a couple cannot learn to love their spouse in the correct manner.

The first love language, words of affirmation, is important to many individuals (especially women), because it boosts feelings of self worth, confidence, love, and self esteem. Many individuals need to hear from their spouses that they are loved, beautiful, and that they truly mean a lot to one another. On the flipside, when this is not someone’s love language, too many compliments or reasons for love can make some people feel uncomfortable. When it comes down to it, everyone needs to hear “I love you” sometimes, but it is important to realize how much is enough. People should consider whether or not being showered with compliments is the right medicine for love.

The second love language, quality time, is also a vital aspect of any relationship, but may mean much more to some people than others. Many times, couples need to find a balance of time to spend with one another, because one spouse may enjoy constant attention while the other may require their necessary space to keep sane. The definition of “quality time” may also shift as a relationship changes, and both partners need to be aware of this fact. While the man in a relationship may have spent significant time with his friends while he was dating, after he is married his wife will most likely expect him to spend more time with her. This expectation is not out of the ordinary, but the wife also needs to understand that she cannot smother and suffocate her husband either. It is also imperative to define what quality time consists of, because one spouse may feel they have spent a plethora of time with their significant other, while the other spouse may not consider this time true “quality time.” As mentioned before, communication is also vital to this process because each person must be certain they are compromising effectively, so that neither feels their spouse is taking advantage of them.

The third love language, receiving gifts, does not usually constitute a breaking point in a relationship but it can cause dreadful arguments and lead to increased dissension. Many people view gift giving as a tangible sign of love that shows their spouse actually cares enough to spend their time and money to make them happy. Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day, and even an arbitrary Tuesday are all necessary times to splurge for your spouse. Women especially, find that flowers, tickets to activities, or jewelry are all very important to a relationship because men may not always be extremely vocal in their affirmation of love. Gifts do not even necessarily have to be expensive, they simply have to be from the heart and sometimes hold a deeper meaning that will create memories for your marriage or relationship.

The fourth love language, acts of service, pertains primarily to permanent situations like marriage, where a couple has moved past the magical stage of romance and passionate love. At this point, couples are learning how to beat the daily grind while still striving to keep their marriage focused on the love they share. If one spouse feels they are constantly involved with the upkeep of the house or transporting the children everywhere, they may become exasperated and perhaps even irritated that their husband or wife is not contributing. Granted, the opposing spouse may be earning the majority of the money at work all day, but it is simply unfair for one spouse to have the entire household to look after. Taking care of chores without being asked and helping in other small ways can be extremely uplifting for either spouse, and it really demands very little work or attention. It is important, however, that the spouse who is the primary housekeeper constantly shows appreciation for the spouse who works all day as well. It can be tiresome to cook dinner, feed the dogs, vacuum, and cater to children every day, but it is also exhausting to work over forty hours a week to pay the bills. Also, if both spouses work away from home, it can be even more important that they split the housework, so that one does not feel used or overburdened.

The final love language, physical touch, goes beyond the bedroom because it is more about safety, security, and sensuality rather than the act of sexual intercourse. Many people need to be touched constantly through kissing, massages, hugs, caresses, or simple touches of the arm, face, or neck. These sensual touches can communicate numerous emotions from one partner to another, but they are almost always positive feelings. For many people, touching conveys a sense of calm, love, tenderness, devotion, and caring that words may come short of expressing sufficiently. Each person is radically different in the amount of touch they desire, the time, and the setting in which intimacy occurs however, so it is important to realize your spouse’s comfort level.

Understanding the five languages of love is invaluable to every relationship because everyone experiences love in a different way. If couples can come to terms with their personal love language, they should have the ability to realize the needs of their partner. While it is not always easy to express love in certain ways, especially for more introverted men, it is fundamental to a relationship to treat your spouse with the love and respect they deserve and expect. Relationships can be extremely difficult, but with the openness and desire to understand your partner and their love language, relationships can grow into one of the most fulfilling experiences of our lives.




Citation: Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2010. Print.


Garrett B.