The Languages of Love

The Interpretation of Love Languages

Dr. Gary Chapman coined the term “Love Languages” in his book for struggling couples who have trouble communicating their love. In, “The Five Love Languages”, Dr. Chapman strives to help those in relationships speak the love language of their significant other. The love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Chapman’s theory is that each person’s requirement and expression of love can be comprised of one or more of these love languages and that without proper cultivation of these languages a relationship can wither and die. Since people tend to reciprocate love in the manner in which they desire love, it is important for couples to understand not only their spouses love language, but their own language as well. As long as both spouses understand their own needs and communicate these needs to their partner, there is no reason a couple cannot learn to love their spouse in the correct manner.

The first love language, words of affirmation, is important to many individuals (especially women), because it boosts feelings of self worth, confidence, love, and self esteem. Many individuals need to hear from their spouses that they are loved, beautiful, and that they truly mean a lot to one another. On the flipside, when this is not someone’s love language, too many compliments or reasons for love can make some people feel uncomfortable. When it comes down to it, everyone needs to hear “I love you” sometimes, but it is important to realize how much is enough. People should consider whether or not being showered with compliments is the right medicine for love.

The second love language, quality time, is also a vital aspect of any relationship, but may mean much more to some people than others. Many times, couples need to find a balance of time to spend with one another, because one spouse may enjoy constant attention while the other may require their necessary space to keep sane. The definition of “quality time” may also shift as a relationship changes, and both partners need to be aware of this fact. While the man in a relationship may have spent significant time with his friends while he was dating, after he is married his wife will most likely expect him to spend more time with her. This expectation is not out of the ordinary, but the wife also needs to understand that she cannot smother and suffocate her husband either. It is also imperative to define what quality time consists of, because one spouse may feel they have spent a plethora of time with their significant other, while the other spouse may not consider this time true “quality time.” As mentioned before, communication is also vital to this process because each person must be certain they are compromising effectively, so that neither feels their spouse is taking advantage of them.

The third love language, receiving gifts, does not usually constitute a breaking point in a relationship but it can cause dreadful arguments and lead to increased dissension. Many people view gift giving as a tangible sign of love that shows their spouse actually cares enough to spend their time and money to make them happy. Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day, and even an arbitrary Tuesday are all necessary times to splurge for your spouse. Women especially, find that flowers, tickets to activities, or jewelry are all very important to a relationship because men may not always be extremely vocal in their affirmation of love. Gifts do not even necessarily have to be expensive, they simply have to be from the heart and sometimes hold a deeper meaning that will create memories for your marriage or relationship.

The fourth love language, acts of service, pertains primarily to permanent situations like marriage, where a couple has moved past the magical stage of romance and passionate love. At this point, couples are learning how to beat the daily grind while still striving to keep their marriage focused on the love they share. If one spouse feels they are constantly involved with the upkeep of the house or transporting the children everywhere, they may become exasperated and perhaps even irritated that their husband or wife is not contributing. Granted, the opposing spouse may be earning the majority of the money at work all day, but it is simply unfair for one spouse to have the entire household to look after. Taking care of chores without being asked and helping in other small ways can be extremely uplifting for either spouse, and it really demands very little work or attention. It is important, however, that the spouse who is the primary housekeeper constantly shows appreciation for the spouse who works all day as well. It can be tiresome to cook dinner, feed the dogs, vacuum, and cater to children every day, but it is also exhausting to work over forty hours a week to pay the bills. Also, if both spouses work away from home, it can be even more important that they split the housework, so that one does not feel used or overburdened.

The final love language, physical touch, goes beyond the bedroom because it is more about safety, security, and sensuality rather than the act of sexual intercourse. Many people need to be touched constantly through kissing, massages, hugs, caresses, or simple touches of the arm, face, or neck. These sensual touches can communicate numerous emotions from one partner to another, but they are almost always positive feelings. For many people, touching conveys a sense of calm, love, tenderness, devotion, and caring that words may come short of expressing sufficiently. Each person is radically different in the amount of touch they desire, the time, and the setting in which intimacy occurs however, so it is important to realize your spouse’s comfort level.

Understanding the five languages of love is invaluable to every relationship because everyone experiences love in a different way. If couples can come to terms with their personal love language, they should have the ability to realize the needs of their partner. While it is not always easy to express love in certain ways, especially for more introverted men, it is fundamental to a relationship to treat your spouse with the love and respect they deserve and expect. Relationships can be extremely difficult, but with the openness and desire to understand your partner and their love language, relationships can grow into one of the most fulfilling experiences of our lives.




Citation: Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2010. Print.


Garrett B.

Love vs. Lust: Sex in the Media

The media is everywhere. Whether it be television, radio, newspapers or the internet, the media is ever present in one’s life. Therefore, the media helps dictate pop culture and what is the norm. One of the most popular themes in culture has been that of love. Whether it was the Beatles singing “Can’t Buy Me Love”, Noah and Allie’s budding romance in The Notebook or the media’s coverage of celebrities’ relationships, love is an ever present theme. Through its depiction of love, the media emphasizes that passionate sex, love at first sight and infatuation are central to any love story. However, these portrayals of love are far from accurate. So while most hope for these aspects of love, they are in fact unknowingly longing for something else - lust.

Love and lust are extremely different, yet very easy to confuse in our present day culture. Christian author Christopher West states in his talk “Freedom to Love”, (based on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body) that lust “treats others as objects, sees the body as something, is directed towards self gratification and sacrifices others for oneself”. Therefore, lust is focused on the self rather than the other person in the relationship. This is distinctly different from actual love, as love “affirms others as subjects, respects the body as someone, is directed towards self-donation and sacrifices oneself for others”. Here, instead of focus on the self, one is focused on self-sacrifice for another. These differences make it clear, as if we did not already know, that true love is hard to find.

In the 1997 box office smash Titanic, Jack and Rose “fall in love” during the ship’s maiden, and only, voyage. Together, they explore the ship, experience romantic moments and even share physical intimacy. As the credits role, it’s easy to see why so many enjoy the “love” the characters share, as it’s spontaneous and romantic throughout the film. However, upon applying West’s logic, the label of “love story” quickly unravels. Rose’s main reason for following Jack is because she is attempting to escape the wrath of her inconsiderate fiancée. In a way, she is using Jack as an escape and as an adventure, a form of self gratification. On the flip side, Jack has found an upper class girl who is interested in him. This interest allows him to imagine a life of wealth that was previously unimaginable. While this is not intended to ruin the glamour of 1997’s Best Picture, it does demonstrate that even in the one of the most classic cinematic love stories, the intentions of both parties may have been selfish, and therefore lustful.

Aside from attempting to define what true love is, the media also tries to define relationship normalcy. Seeing how some of our favorite characters act while dating or married influences how we perceive relationships. In the 1950’s hit show I Love Lucy, Ricky and Lucy helped define a classic couple. They were a married couple who had small misunderstandings and slept in separate beds in their shared bedroom. This depiction demonstrated that marital arguments and sexual life were extremely private. Today, the media depicts reality quite differently as sex and promiscuity are clear themes. While the FCC had hard rules against showing a married couple in the same bed during the 1950’s, it now allows fairly racy scenes and storylines.

An example of this can be found in one of the most famous television shows in history. Friends was viewed by millions weekly throughout the late ‘90’s and early 2000’s, with each viewer tuning in with the hope that Ross and Rachel would finally get together. With such a huge fan-base, this popular show helped establish social norms when it came to dating and relationships. In the show, Joey consistently has one night stands with girls he can’t even recall, Chandler and Monica cohabit prior to marrying and Ross and Rachel have a child out of wedlock. While these mentioned behaviors have grown more common in the past few decades, the show makes it seem as though this is how dating and relationships are in reality. It therefore encourages many behaviors that can be counterintuitive to finding love, as defined by West. Furthermore, Friends aired at 8pm on Thursday nights, meaning that many young teens were in the audience. Its depiction of relationships negatively affects teens’ ideas of sex and dating, as some teens may presume that sex is a basic part of any relationship, when in fact it is anything but.

In no way should one attempt to escape the media as the media provides many wonderful functions such as information and entertainment. The goal is to make clear that what is pictured on television is not always an accurate depiction of true love and relationships. It is important for the youth to filter the media, knowing what is accurate and what is exaggeration. Titanic and Friends should not be thrown aside; one should just take them more as entertainment than as accurate portrayals of reality. For true love probably cannot be found in a week long voyage or in a knight saving a damsel in distress, but rather through a life-long commitment of self to another.

-Michael B.