As a busy college student it can be hard to find time for sleep and food…much less dating. Who has the time to actually go out on a real date and sit down and get to know someone – or do we? The college dating scene is much different from anything our parents experienced. The age old tradition of boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl go out for dinner and a movie seems stale and innocent in light of today’s “Hook-Up Culture.” I ask this question, is the “Old-Fashioned Relationship” a thing of the past?
The first few dates of any relationship are an integral part of the dating process. They allow two people to get to know each other better, as they explore their common interests, likes and dislikes, and similar family backgrounds. While it might seem nice to bypass the nerves and uneasy stomach that come along with a first date, there is something charming in feeling excited about venturing out into the unknown. But what if that unknown territory no longer involves a night of good food and conversation? What if most “first dates” consist of “hooking up” after a campus party, devoid of any real conversation? Are students forgoing an emotional and spiritual connection for a night of physical affection?
Personally, I have always found the college dating scene a bit backwards. Although I have seen a few “hook-ups” transform themselves into long term relationships – these cases have been few and far between. It may be tempting to trade a night of “no strings attached” hooking-up for the effort and work that goes along with being in a relationship, but we need to ask ourselves what we are really trading. We are trading our self-respect for a moment of feeling desired. We are trading potential relationships for casual flings. Most importantly, we are trading emotional intimacy for what we believe to be physical intimacy – however true physical intimacy is not possible without first sharing emotional intimacy with another person.
Emotional intimacy allows us to truly commit ourselves to someone else. When we are able to speak about our innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, and concerns with another person, without feeling judged or constrained, we have begun to develop an emotional connection. While it may be tempting to try and mimic this connection through physical intimacy, a physical connection between two people will never reach its full potential, if it is not paired with emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is developed through the communication and shared experiences of two people, and the more honest we are with both ourselves and our significant others, the stronger this bond will become. Many times students choose to sacrifice emotional intimacy for moments of physical pleasure – not realizing that they will always be searching for physical intimacy, if they are unwilling to first develop the emotional bond beforehand.
In the college dating culture, what are we truly looking for in our relationships? Do we really want strings of random nights – or are we longing for that deeper connection; a connection that can only come out of being in a committed relationship. So here’s the “hook-up” – we need to stop looking for love and commitment from sources that will never give us the TRUE emotional intimacy necessary for such feelings. We need to be TRUE to ourselves and realize that we are worth more than a night of casual physical intimacy. When we leave the “hook-up” at the door, it’s amazing what might be waiting on the other side.
-Sara Jane L
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Living Together: A Christian Perspective on Cohabitation
“Why Buy the Cow, When You Can Get the Milk for Free?”
In today’s society cohabitation is as common as dating. In spite of what is considered ‘normal’ today, living together before marriage is not beneficial emotionally or spiritually. In this modern age, living together feels like a vital step in a relationship than a destructive and potential harmful experience which can leave both you and your relationship dissatisfied. What makes cohabitating morally wrong? What even defines cohabitation? Before deciding whether or not to move in with your partner, you should take the time to reflect on the consequences of living together.
According to the National Conference of Catholic Bishops (NCCB) Marriage and Family Committee cohabitation is defined as “living together in a sexual relationship without marriage” . Although couples who are living together and do not participate in acts of premarital sex are considered in good standing with the Christian faith, the emotional benefits of waiting to live together until marriage are significant and should be taken into consideration.
So, why does the Christian community encourage living together only after marriage? The greatest difficulty with cohabitation is that it undermines the grace and beauty of marriage. Living together lacks the true commitment which marriage gives to couples thus providing a false foundation for their relationship. In addition, cohabitation gives rise to sexual relations outside of the union of marriage. When people are cohabitating together, they have greater opportunity and less desire to restrain from intercourse. Sex outside of the institution of marriage is damaging personally and to relationships because of its lack of the respect for procreation and the sanctity of marriage (See post on pre-marital sex for more information). Many individuals may assume that if they are already having premarital sex, it does not matter if they decide to live together because they are already are violating Christian values by having premarital sex. However, this is untrue. Living together only further violates the institution of marriage. Living together produces all the obstacles of marriage without receiving the support that the institution of marriage provides.
Couples have numerous reasons for why they personally choose to live together before marriage. These reasons include strengthening relationships, financial implications, and marriage preparation. Some couples cohabit in an effort to test their relationship and see if they are compatible. Despite the fact that cohabitation appears to give them a chance to grow closer together and learn more about themselves, it has been shown that living together before marriage does not increase martial happiness but actually decreases it . Other couples find cohabitation necessary for financial reason and to insure economic security. While cohabitation may seem like an easy answer to financial problems, couples face many new problems and challenges they must resolve together. These additional problems add stress to a time when couples should be strengthening and developing their relationship. Another reason why couples cohabit is that they view cohabitation as an essential step in a relationship leading to marriage. Despite the intentions of those entering into cohabitation, it has been documented cohabitation does not increase the likelihood of marriage; rather those individuals who live together before marriage are found “as likely to return to singleness as enter into marriage” .
Since cohabitation is defined as living together in a sexual union, what are the consequences of having sex outside of marriage? Sex is a sign of total and mutual commitment between two partners. It requires a deep level of trust and respect. Cohabitation is a temporary arrangement where the partners can choose to leave at will; therefore, cohabitation lacks the trust necessary to support the emotional implications of sex. Sex without marriage is opposite of a sign of commitment. Without the security of a partner’s commitment, both cohabitation and sex can lead to emotional damage.
Although, I have not personally cohabited, I have closely observed one of my friends who chosen to live with her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend. Though her experience was not a completely positive one, as indicated by their decision to separate, she has discovered important emotional consequences and aspects about cohabitation. By sharing her story, I hope to reveal some of the issues with cohabitation that she faced.
Foremost, it is important to realize my friend chose to live with her boyfriend not because she was trying to take the relationship to the next level, but she felt that cohabiting would create a safer environment for her to live. She was moving to a foreign city where rent was expensive and the only way to live in a safe area was to live with other people she knew and trusted.
At that time in her life, cohabitating was the most reasonable solution for her. Why should she spend the more money to pay for another room when she was probably going to spend all of her time in the same place anyway? Also, if she did live with other roommates, she reasoned that the roommate could have problems with having a constant visitor. Though the relationship was serious and marriage was a possibility, in retrospect she realized the cohabitation, though originally convenient, is very inconvenient in the long term because of its emotional implications.
When discussing cohabitation with her, some of issues of cohabitation she mentioned were difficulty leaving the relationship and new conflicts that arise out solely out of cohabiting. Rent and bills determined their level of commitment and made it harder to leave the relationship. New decisions and plans had to be made as how they would maintain the apartment and live together. Also cohabitation forces couples to see how they worked together as a team. If an argument arose, there was nowhere for either of them to disappear and calm down. The relationship took on a different dynamic. The emotional implications of cohabitation caused more stress and difficulties in their relationship rather than creating a fostering environment in which their relationship could grow.
Living together is not a necessary step of development in relationships before marriage. I choose to reveal my friends’ personal reasons for cohabiting because I believe that many young adults share similar reasoning for deciding to live together. While they may not be looking for marriage as an outcome of cohabitation, they are allowing cohabitation to function as a form of dating or means of getting to know each other better. Cohabitation should not be used as a form of dating because it creates more problems without the help and commitment of marriage. According to the statistics of the NCCB, seventy-six percent of couples who plan to marry and are cohabiting, only around fifty percent of these couples end up marrying .Cohabitation is not a necessary step in the journey towards marriage. Before you decide to live with someone remember, “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?”
Heather P
Works Cited:
Scott, Karen. “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Report”. Perspectives on
Marriage. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007.
(http://foryourmarriage.org/dating-engaged/must-have-conversations/intimacy-cohabitation/)
In today’s society cohabitation is as common as dating. In spite of what is considered ‘normal’ today, living together before marriage is not beneficial emotionally or spiritually. In this modern age, living together feels like a vital step in a relationship than a destructive and potential harmful experience which can leave both you and your relationship dissatisfied. What makes cohabitating morally wrong? What even defines cohabitation? Before deciding whether or not to move in with your partner, you should take the time to reflect on the consequences of living together.
According to the National Conference of Catholic Bishops (NCCB) Marriage and Family Committee cohabitation is defined as “living together in a sexual relationship without marriage” . Although couples who are living together and do not participate in acts of premarital sex are considered in good standing with the Christian faith, the emotional benefits of waiting to live together until marriage are significant and should be taken into consideration.
So, why does the Christian community encourage living together only after marriage? The greatest difficulty with cohabitation is that it undermines the grace and beauty of marriage. Living together lacks the true commitment which marriage gives to couples thus providing a false foundation for their relationship. In addition, cohabitation gives rise to sexual relations outside of the union of marriage. When people are cohabitating together, they have greater opportunity and less desire to restrain from intercourse. Sex outside of the institution of marriage is damaging personally and to relationships because of its lack of the respect for procreation and the sanctity of marriage (See post on pre-marital sex for more information). Many individuals may assume that if they are already having premarital sex, it does not matter if they decide to live together because they are already are violating Christian values by having premarital sex. However, this is untrue. Living together only further violates the institution of marriage. Living together produces all the obstacles of marriage without receiving the support that the institution of marriage provides.
Couples have numerous reasons for why they personally choose to live together before marriage. These reasons include strengthening relationships, financial implications, and marriage preparation. Some couples cohabit in an effort to test their relationship and see if they are compatible. Despite the fact that cohabitation appears to give them a chance to grow closer together and learn more about themselves, it has been shown that living together before marriage does not increase martial happiness but actually decreases it . Other couples find cohabitation necessary for financial reason and to insure economic security. While cohabitation may seem like an easy answer to financial problems, couples face many new problems and challenges they must resolve together. These additional problems add stress to a time when couples should be strengthening and developing their relationship. Another reason why couples cohabit is that they view cohabitation as an essential step in a relationship leading to marriage. Despite the intentions of those entering into cohabitation, it has been documented cohabitation does not increase the likelihood of marriage; rather those individuals who live together before marriage are found “as likely to return to singleness as enter into marriage” .
Since cohabitation is defined as living together in a sexual union, what are the consequences of having sex outside of marriage? Sex is a sign of total and mutual commitment between two partners. It requires a deep level of trust and respect. Cohabitation is a temporary arrangement where the partners can choose to leave at will; therefore, cohabitation lacks the trust necessary to support the emotional implications of sex. Sex without marriage is opposite of a sign of commitment. Without the security of a partner’s commitment, both cohabitation and sex can lead to emotional damage.
Although, I have not personally cohabited, I have closely observed one of my friends who chosen to live with her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend. Though her experience was not a completely positive one, as indicated by their decision to separate, she has discovered important emotional consequences and aspects about cohabitation. By sharing her story, I hope to reveal some of the issues with cohabitation that she faced.
Foremost, it is important to realize my friend chose to live with her boyfriend not because she was trying to take the relationship to the next level, but she felt that cohabiting would create a safer environment for her to live. She was moving to a foreign city where rent was expensive and the only way to live in a safe area was to live with other people she knew and trusted.
At that time in her life, cohabitating was the most reasonable solution for her. Why should she spend the more money to pay for another room when she was probably going to spend all of her time in the same place anyway? Also, if she did live with other roommates, she reasoned that the roommate could have problems with having a constant visitor. Though the relationship was serious and marriage was a possibility, in retrospect she realized the cohabitation, though originally convenient, is very inconvenient in the long term because of its emotional implications.
When discussing cohabitation with her, some of issues of cohabitation she mentioned were difficulty leaving the relationship and new conflicts that arise out solely out of cohabiting. Rent and bills determined their level of commitment and made it harder to leave the relationship. New decisions and plans had to be made as how they would maintain the apartment and live together. Also cohabitation forces couples to see how they worked together as a team. If an argument arose, there was nowhere for either of them to disappear and calm down. The relationship took on a different dynamic. The emotional implications of cohabitation caused more stress and difficulties in their relationship rather than creating a fostering environment in which their relationship could grow.
Living together is not a necessary step of development in relationships before marriage. I choose to reveal my friends’ personal reasons for cohabiting because I believe that many young adults share similar reasoning for deciding to live together. While they may not be looking for marriage as an outcome of cohabitation, they are allowing cohabitation to function as a form of dating or means of getting to know each other better. Cohabitation should not be used as a form of dating because it creates more problems without the help and commitment of marriage. According to the statistics of the NCCB, seventy-six percent of couples who plan to marry and are cohabiting, only around fifty percent of these couples end up marrying .Cohabitation is not a necessary step in the journey towards marriage. Before you decide to live with someone remember, “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?”
Heather P
Works Cited:
Scott, Karen. “Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Report”. Perspectives on
Marriage. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007.
(http://foryourmarriage.org/dating-engaged/must-have-conversations/intimacy-cohabitation/)
Monday, April 26, 2010
Getting Over Past Relationships
“It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...”
We’ve all heard this popular saying, but is there really any truth to it? If you’ve ever experienced a tough break-up, you would know that there are hardly any feelings of thanks or appreciation involved. All you feel is the pain and heartache that losing love brings you.
So what are you to do then? One minute everything was good: lunch together in the cafeteria, study sessions in the library, dinner and a movie on the weekends, then the next thing you know, your world gets turned upside down. You’re left with nothing but cards, clothes, and memories; not just the good memories but also memories of all the arguments, bad habits, and “sure signs” of why you two were never meant to be together. A broken heart will attempt to search through the past relationship to find out exactly where things went wrong. Nursing a broken heart will make you over analyze and blow things out of proportion. At this point, a newly single person is vulnerable and emotionally unstable so any logic used to understand the past relationship is not actually helping them get over it. Constantly questioning the relationship and yourself while your emotions are raging will only result in burning unanswered questions that will never be resolved.
Everyone has their own break-up routine and way of dealing. Whether it is to isolate themselves for a while, hang out with friends more frequently, or pick up a new hobby, the idea is to keep your mind and time occupied. The new feeling of freedom can be refreshing and at the same time sting of loneliness. This healing time is necessary because it allows you to let go and detach from the relationship completely. In order to do so remember that you cannot attempt to be friends with your ex right away. There is a lot of work to be done in order to transition from loving that person as a significant other to caring for them as strictly a friend; you need space. Space will allow you to get over that person without resenting them, letting you reminisce and eventually interact with them without holding any anger or hurt.
So how can any good come from this past relationship that has done nothing but caused you anguish? An important step after letting go and healing is to take hold of that past relationship. Once you’re emotionally ready to think about the past, you will see that you are now able to look at it with a more rational viewpoint. Now you can look back at the different stages and events within your past relationship and attempt to analyze it for what it really was. A good way of doing this is to make a list. Listing the good and bad qualities of your relationship, your ex, and even yourself will allow you to understand the significance behind the pain that you previously experienced and also raise reasonable questions. Is it that you actually miss your ex or do you just not like being alone? Asking questions like this helps you focus on what motivates you to seek and be in a relationship with another person. By doing this, newly single people are able to determine characteristics they want in a relationship and future love interests. By determining what means the most to you, you are also getting a better understanding of yourself, your values, and what truly makes you happy.
Getting to know yourself better during this process of recovery will allow you to move on to healthier relationships or to live more happily single. By getting a better grasp on your likes and dislikes, as well as reasons you want a relationship, you can make better life decisions as to what or who you are looking for. You might decide to focus on yourself and remain single for a while, nurturing the needs that you’ve discovered. Or if you’re ready to move on, you will now be able to date without running purely off emotion and ego, seeing the other person in their true light. In this way, breakups can be seen as a blessing in disguise. That grief that seemed to never end, does and following it is the sense of accomplishment and strength. After fully getting over a past relationship, those newly single people are able to continue on in life with more wisdom and growth.
When you don’t take the time to heal properly and attempt to draw the good from past relationships, you are setting yourself up for relationship failure. I know this from personal experience. I didn’t do these things or take this advice and ended up hurting myself even more. Upon meeting a new guy, I would anticipate his faults and wrongdoings. I judged him based on his style of dress, his group of friends, and the way he talked because I compared him to every other guy in my past. I brought all of the negative beliefs I had about relationships into my new ones, and of course it caused them to fail. I was sick of attracting the “same” type of guys, guys that all acted the same and treated me in a way I didn’t want to be treated. It wasn’t until one of my best friends went through the same thing that I realized I was still holding on to my pain and I hadn’t taken the time to really understand it. I started connecting all of my negative opinions to things that had happened to me in my past or to ex-boyfriends who embodied those bad habits. I started working on myself, becoming more aware of the things that satisfy me or drive me crazy. It wasn’t until I made a conscious choice to let go of that negativity and focus more on the good in myself and in relationships that I could finally move on to lead a happier life. By having a more positive attitude and getting to know myself better, I can honestly say I’m very content with my relationship, my life, and most importantly myself.
References/Links:
•http://www.inspiration4everyone.com/relationships/relationship_breakups/getting_over_breakups.html
•http://www.enotalone.com/article/2418.html
•http://www.helium.com/items/1489976-tips-for-moving-on-after-a-bad-breakup?page=2
Recommended Reading:
Elliot, Susan J. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Lifelong Books. 2009. http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/
Victoria S.
We’ve all heard this popular saying, but is there really any truth to it? If you’ve ever experienced a tough break-up, you would know that there are hardly any feelings of thanks or appreciation involved. All you feel is the pain and heartache that losing love brings you.
So what are you to do then? One minute everything was good: lunch together in the cafeteria, study sessions in the library, dinner and a movie on the weekends, then the next thing you know, your world gets turned upside down. You’re left with nothing but cards, clothes, and memories; not just the good memories but also memories of all the arguments, bad habits, and “sure signs” of why you two were never meant to be together. A broken heart will attempt to search through the past relationship to find out exactly where things went wrong. Nursing a broken heart will make you over analyze and blow things out of proportion. At this point, a newly single person is vulnerable and emotionally unstable so any logic used to understand the past relationship is not actually helping them get over it. Constantly questioning the relationship and yourself while your emotions are raging will only result in burning unanswered questions that will never be resolved.
Everyone has their own break-up routine and way of dealing. Whether it is to isolate themselves for a while, hang out with friends more frequently, or pick up a new hobby, the idea is to keep your mind and time occupied. The new feeling of freedom can be refreshing and at the same time sting of loneliness. This healing time is necessary because it allows you to let go and detach from the relationship completely. In order to do so remember that you cannot attempt to be friends with your ex right away. There is a lot of work to be done in order to transition from loving that person as a significant other to caring for them as strictly a friend; you need space. Space will allow you to get over that person without resenting them, letting you reminisce and eventually interact with them without holding any anger or hurt.
So how can any good come from this past relationship that has done nothing but caused you anguish? An important step after letting go and healing is to take hold of that past relationship. Once you’re emotionally ready to think about the past, you will see that you are now able to look at it with a more rational viewpoint. Now you can look back at the different stages and events within your past relationship and attempt to analyze it for what it really was. A good way of doing this is to make a list. Listing the good and bad qualities of your relationship, your ex, and even yourself will allow you to understand the significance behind the pain that you previously experienced and also raise reasonable questions. Is it that you actually miss your ex or do you just not like being alone? Asking questions like this helps you focus on what motivates you to seek and be in a relationship with another person. By doing this, newly single people are able to determine characteristics they want in a relationship and future love interests. By determining what means the most to you, you are also getting a better understanding of yourself, your values, and what truly makes you happy.
Getting to know yourself better during this process of recovery will allow you to move on to healthier relationships or to live more happily single. By getting a better grasp on your likes and dislikes, as well as reasons you want a relationship, you can make better life decisions as to what or who you are looking for. You might decide to focus on yourself and remain single for a while, nurturing the needs that you’ve discovered. Or if you’re ready to move on, you will now be able to date without running purely off emotion and ego, seeing the other person in their true light. In this way, breakups can be seen as a blessing in disguise. That grief that seemed to never end, does and following it is the sense of accomplishment and strength. After fully getting over a past relationship, those newly single people are able to continue on in life with more wisdom and growth.
When you don’t take the time to heal properly and attempt to draw the good from past relationships, you are setting yourself up for relationship failure. I know this from personal experience. I didn’t do these things or take this advice and ended up hurting myself even more. Upon meeting a new guy, I would anticipate his faults and wrongdoings. I judged him based on his style of dress, his group of friends, and the way he talked because I compared him to every other guy in my past. I brought all of the negative beliefs I had about relationships into my new ones, and of course it caused them to fail. I was sick of attracting the “same” type of guys, guys that all acted the same and treated me in a way I didn’t want to be treated. It wasn’t until one of my best friends went through the same thing that I realized I was still holding on to my pain and I hadn’t taken the time to really understand it. I started connecting all of my negative opinions to things that had happened to me in my past or to ex-boyfriends who embodied those bad habits. I started working on myself, becoming more aware of the things that satisfy me or drive me crazy. It wasn’t until I made a conscious choice to let go of that negativity and focus more on the good in myself and in relationships that I could finally move on to lead a happier life. By having a more positive attitude and getting to know myself better, I can honestly say I’m very content with my relationship, my life, and most importantly myself.
References/Links:
•http://www.inspiration4everyone.com/relationships/relationship_breakups/getting_over_breakups.html
•http://www.enotalone.com/article/2418.html
•http://www.helium.com/items/1489976-tips-for-moving-on-after-a-bad-breakup?page=2
Recommended Reading:
Elliot, Susan J. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Lifelong Books. 2009. http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/
Victoria S.
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