Getting Over Past Relationships

“It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...”

We’ve all heard this popular saying, but is there really any truth to it? If you’ve ever experienced a tough break-up, you would know that there are hardly any feelings of thanks or appreciation involved. All you feel is the pain and heartache that losing love brings you.

So what are you to do then? One minute everything was good: lunch together in the cafeteria, study sessions in the library, dinner and a movie on the weekends, then the next thing you know, your world gets turned upside down. You’re left with nothing but cards, clothes, and memories; not just the good memories but also memories of all the arguments, bad habits, and “sure signs” of why you two were never meant to be together. A broken heart will attempt to search through the past relationship to find out exactly where things went wrong. Nursing a broken heart will make you over analyze and blow things out of proportion. At this point, a newly single person is vulnerable and emotionally unstable so any logic used to understand the past relationship is not actually helping them get over it. Constantly questioning the relationship and yourself while your emotions are raging will only result in burning unanswered questions that will never be resolved.

Everyone has their own break-up routine and way of dealing. Whether it is to isolate themselves for a while, hang out with friends more frequently, or pick up a new hobby, the idea is to keep your mind and time occupied. The new feeling of freedom can be refreshing and at the same time sting of loneliness. This healing time is necessary because it allows you to let go and detach from the relationship completely. In order to do so remember that you cannot attempt to be friends with your ex right away. There is a lot of work to be done in order to transition from loving that person as a significant other to caring for them as strictly a friend; you need space. Space will allow you to get over that person without resenting them, letting you reminisce and eventually interact with them without holding any anger or hurt.

So how can any good come from this past relationship that has done nothing but caused you anguish? An important step after letting go and healing is to take hold of that past relationship. Once you’re emotionally ready to think about the past, you will see that you are now able to look at it with a more rational viewpoint. Now you can look back at the different stages and events within your past relationship and attempt to analyze it for what it really was. A good way of doing this is to make a list. Listing the good and bad qualities of your relationship, your ex, and even yourself will allow you to understand the significance behind the pain that you previously experienced and also raise reasonable questions. Is it that you actually miss your ex or do you just not like being alone? Asking questions like this helps you focus on what motivates you to seek and be in a relationship with another person. By doing this, newly single people are able to determine characteristics they want in a relationship and future love interests. By determining what means the most to you, you are also getting a better understanding of yourself, your values, and what truly makes you happy.

Getting to know yourself better during this process of recovery will allow you to move on to healthier relationships or to live more happily single. By getting a better grasp on your likes and dislikes, as well as reasons you want a relationship, you can make better life decisions as to what or who you are looking for. You might decide to focus on yourself and remain single for a while, nurturing the needs that you’ve discovered. Or if you’re ready to move on, you will now be able to date without running purely off emotion and ego, seeing the other person in their true light. In this way, breakups can be seen as a blessing in disguise. That grief that seemed to never end, does and following it is the sense of accomplishment and strength. After fully getting over a past relationship, those newly single people are able to continue on in life with more wisdom and growth.

When you don’t take the time to heal properly and attempt to draw the good from past relationships, you are setting yourself up for relationship failure. I know this from personal experience. I didn’t do these things or take this advice and ended up hurting myself even more. Upon meeting a new guy, I would anticipate his faults and wrongdoings. I judged him based on his style of dress, his group of friends, and the way he talked because I compared him to every other guy in my past. I brought all of the negative beliefs I had about relationships into my new ones, and of course it caused them to fail. I was sick of attracting the “same” type of guys, guys that all acted the same and treated me in a way I didn’t want to be treated. It wasn’t until one of my best friends went through the same thing that I realized I was still holding on to my pain and I hadn’t taken the time to really understand it. I started connecting all of my negative opinions to things that had happened to me in my past or to ex-boyfriends who embodied those bad habits. I started working on myself, becoming more aware of the things that satisfy me or drive me crazy. It wasn’t until I made a conscious choice to let go of that negativity and focus more on the good in myself and in relationships that I could finally move on to lead a happier life. By having a more positive attitude and getting to know myself better, I can honestly say I’m very content with my relationship, my life, and most importantly myself.

References/Links:
•http://www.inspiration4everyone.com/relationships/relationship_breakups/getting_over_breakups.html
•http://www.enotalone.com/article/2418.html
•http://www.helium.com/items/1489976-tips-for-moving-on-after-a-bad-breakup?page=2

Recommended Reading:
Elliot, Susan J. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Lifelong Books. 2009. http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/


Victoria S.