Let's Talk About Relationships

We all know what it feels like to be in a new relationship…all you can think about is that person and all you want to do is be with that person. This wonderful stage is filled with romantic dates, long conversations and butterflies in the stomach and stars in the eyes. While it is fun to enjoy this stage, many of us know it won’t last. We have to get back to the real world and call back the friend who left a message last week. I would caution those who think this stage should never end and wish to forever live in a world of two; while your significant other may now be the most important person in your life, he/she should not be the only person. Other people, especially parents and friends, can be positive influences on relationships. Though a relationship only involves two people, it is necessary to maintain the prior connections we have with other people because they can give us advice and guidance.

Children look to their parents for advice on all sorts of things. So why do couples have such a hard time asking for relationship advice? I mean we ask them to give us money for food, to help us pay for gas, we ask them about school and life. Many young people think that their parents won’t understand because they are not immediately involved in the situation. However, they have endured similar experiences and could be a valuable source of information. Even if you disagree with your parent’s viewpoints, it is important to hear them out. “The basic point is that it’s important to respect the views of the parents [and] to understand what ‘respect’ means. Respect means to look at something more than once” This is directed at all those young people out there who nod and smile and forget what their parents have said before they have even left the room. I would discourage this mindset because even though we hate to admit it, we learn many other things from our parents. Additionally, our parents have known us longer than anyone else in our lives and probably know more about us than we realize. Sometimes it is important to listen to their thoughts even if they say something we don’t want to hear.

Friends are another valuable source of insight; they may be even more helpful. We can’t choose our family but we do choose our friends so there must be something we saw in them that attracted us. Since friends are chosen we are more willing to listen. They have goods advice like parents and “close friends sometimes see us more objectively than we see ourselves or than our partner sees us.” Have you ever tried on a shirt and thought you looked great and asked a friend for advice? The look on their face told you something was horribly wrong so you wore something else. And boy weren’t you glad you did because the next time you took the shirt out of the closet it looked uglier than ever. Despite all these great qualities friends have, these people can be a great source of tension within a friendship. Sometimes this is the friend’s fault, they just can’t adjust to the new relationship or they weren’t a great friend in the first place. However, more often than not the friend has done nothing wrong and the source of the conflict comes from within the couple. Usually, one partner wants to stay in the honeymoon stage where the world only consists of two people. They are worried that by leaving this state the other partner will change their mind and move on to new things.

This mindset usually stems from the insecurity and jealousy of one partner. The jealous partner sees everyone else as rivals and intruders. He or she will do anything to prevent this competition either by criticizing the intruder or even attacking the partner. Have you ever heard someone say “Oh Mary is a bad friend to Molly, Molly really shouldn’t hang out with her?” Well maybe this is true but be careful, this could be a nicely worded assault on Molly’s character; the underlying implication is that Molly is unable to choose good friends for herself. If these words come out of your significant other’s mouth about a close friend, it may not actually be in your best interest. Although you may think it is sweet or romantic that your partner wants you all to his or her self, it isn’t realistic. As people we have to realize that not one person can meet all of our needs. We need friends, lovers, families, teachers, coworkers etc. You wouldn’t walk into a baker and ask him for medical advice, so why would you expect your partner to act like your parent? This jealous nature can go from sweet to scary when you are unable to enjoy anyone but your partner’s company. We all know how it feels to only want to be with one person. No one should ever be in the position where there is only one person with whom we are able to be.