You Have to Be a "Me" Before You Can Be a "We"

It might sound contradictory, but one of the most important parts of being in a relationship is taking time to focus on yourself. I learned this the hard way throughout the course of my first relationship. It had all the elements of a fairy tale, at least to a fifteen year old girl who knew only of love stories in the movies. We were studious kids who swore we fell in love, even when our parents discouraged our relationship, telling us we were much too serious at such a young age. Setting aside time for yourself is so important, and yet personal growth is one of those things that we often dread. We can’t avoid personal growth, because it’s an integral part of becoming better, happier versions of ourselves.

Sometimes paging through self-help books provide me with more insight than I would like to admit, in spite of the cheesy covers with pictures of the ocean or the sun and the all-too-catchy titles. A few years ago, I was looking through an old collection of my parents’ books, and I stumbled across The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. It was his first line that got me – “Life is difficult.” I immediately thought to myself, no kidding, and put the book down. I asked my mom about the book later on, and she said that in its slightly tacky1970s way, the book made a pretty good point. Dr. Peck talks about personal strength in his book, about how personal growth is an on-going process that is “complex, arduous, and lifelong.” Every time I think life is too hard, I come out on the other side of my challenges more competent and sure of myself. My own personal growth effects how I act in, or think about, any relationships I’m in. As I discover who I am, I learn so much more about what I want in a relationship.

A relationship with another person is meant to be a complement to you as a person and a complement to your life, rather than your focus in life. It is important to maintain your own life, but involve your significant other in some ways. If you do everything together, then what will you have to talk about? If you are in a relationship, think about what you do on a regular basis that is just for you – not for your boyfriend or girlfriend, not for a family members, not for a friend. It is very important to take time to focus on developing yourself and learning your likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. I didn’t do this. Everything in my life revolved around my boyfriend, and although I’m not proud of it now, I made my life about the relationship. I told myself things to rationalize why I was increasingly unhappy, especially with the relationship. The truth was simple: I didn’t know who I was, so I was looking for reassurance, confidence, and security in all the wrong places. I was looking for the relationship to give me certainty when I was vulnerable, but it was actually more of a problem than a solution. Everyone is insecure to some extent in high school, and no relationship, no matter how much you do or don’t care about one another, will fix that.

It’s not to say that any relationship at a young age, or any age, isn’t worth something, because every relationship has worth in life. If it works out, then its great, but if or when it doesn’t, you learn something more about what you want in someone with whom you share your life. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that your needs come secondary to that relationship. Personal growth and commitment to yourself is still key both for your own good and the good of the bond you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s not to say that you have to have yourself all figured out to be in a relationship. If it were true that you shouldn’t be in a relationship until you had gone through all the personal growth you need to in your life, then no one would be in a healthy relationship. I hate to say it, but it’s true… Personal growth is a process, and it’s something that you will never be done with. There will always be opportunities to grow and learn about yourself – that’s part of the beauty of life, that nothing is ever set in stone. There are always chances to try something new or overcome a new challenge.

In my subsequent relationships, I have taken the lessons I learned, and I have made sure not to make my life about the relationship. A relationship should enhance an already full life, rather than become the central focus and distraction from an empty one. Part of this commitment to the self involves positive self-image. The thing about self-esteem is that even the most confident, intelligent people suffer from days where they just feel rotten about themselves. You really have to work at thinking positively about yourself – if something goes wrong, think about ways to fix it or rise to the challenge, rather than focusing on your perceived shortcomings. If you think positively about yourself, you will feel deserving of the relationship you have, and you are more likely to take care of it.

Even if you’re not in a relationship, a positive self-image is something everyone should work toward. Eventually, if you are in a relationship, you will be your best self, which allows a relationship to flourish rather than become unhealthy and detrimental to self-esteem. Life is too complicated, and there’s enough pressure on relationships as it is, to make your entire life focus that relationship. Plus, if you know who you are, then you will be better able to assess what you want in a relationship.

-Claire C.